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Great Feeling -- Not For Long

Posted by CFMBabs , 07 October 2006 · 754 views

Hey! We all get bad days with scleroderma; in fact more bad than good. When I feel good, I just have to share.
This morning, the sun was shining, I felt reasonably okay and I was going shopping to my local market. So gloves on, jacket, scarf and boots, I set off in my new car, yes new car! The heater was on full blast and the radio was competing to make me deaf.... What!, DEAF I said. OKAY SO I WAS DRIVING oops, sorry for shouting over the music, yes driving into town. I had a real good feelgood factor about me. I stopped at the traffic lights and turned the radio even higher, Katrina and the Waves, 'Walking on sunshine' was playing, now that's a feel good song if ever there was one! So I'm there singing away, tapping the steering wheel " Yeah, I'm w a l k I n g o n S u n s h I n e, w h o o a a --- a n d d o n I t F e e l g o o d
Yeah, yeah. Then I glanced to the side of me. A car full of kids and a totaly gobsmacked mum were all staring at me. I stopped in mid chorus and in a moment of pure silliness, stuck out my tongue -- there, that'll stop you from staring I thought. The lights changed and I stuck my foot right down and off I shot. he, he! I'm just so great today.
Moment of madness over, I swung my car into a wonderful wide spot in town, grabbed my rucksack with my feeding pump in it, coiled up the feeding tube and stuffed it in my pants. Boy I was ready for anything! Round the market I went from one stall to the other. The stall holders were all shouting " Who'll buy a box of apples or pears for £2.00, C'mon English apples and pears" The next stall was selling bed linen, the next boxes of cakes, chocolates and sweets, mmmm my favourite stall of all.
The sun was still shining. I felt so great, so alive if I could sell this feeling, I'd make a fortune. I spent two solid hours just walking around with a stupid smile on an equally stupid face. I felt so high, I just never want to come down.
I stood at a stall in wonderment at all the lovely things I could buy if I had a home but my home's not finished, I reminded myself. All the things I could wear but my feeding tube would show, all the things I could eat but I can't, oh man! I was coming down so fast I felt like a bursted balloon. My feeding pump began to bleep, I'd kinked my tube. " What's that" someone said, and then everyone started fumbling in their bags thinking it was a mobile phone. My bubble burst! I hate this disease, I snapped at myself, I hate being myself, I hate everything about myself. I'm going home!
I left the stall feeling like a hound dog in trouble. My head low and dragging my feet. I got into my car, turned on the ignition and Wham! the radio blasted at my ear drums. I banged the switch to off, sorted myself out and went home.
I came home to a mountain of bills, untidy beds and goose poo on my foot.
I sat down in my tin can ( Trailer ) and was willing myself out of this mood.
It's 12 .00 lunchtime, hubby will be coming home soon, and what have I done today! Nothing.
Such is life with a chronic illness. One minute up, the next you're down. Won't stay like this for long, you watch. Tonight I'll be swinging from the lightbulb and life goes on.
There's always tomorrow!




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