Must remember to pay the coal merchant, need to get some ham for dinner and finish off a small project I started last night. There's piles of rubble all over the area and frankly I'm going to break my neck if it doesn't get cleared away. Last night was quite pleasent weather wise and a good opportunity to tidy the very place which will become my new wall. I did approximately 10 mins then had to sit down -- I didn't feel too good! I felt as though I'd run a marathon, legs like jelly and breathless. I felt so faint. I sat down on an old oak beam and couldn't move for a while afterwards. This has been happening too frequently and I'm getting a bit scared.
My nature is to carry on regardless, but is that being too harsh on myself? I ignore so much of what my body tells me, it's almost like my brain doesn't want to know. Give me the chance to do anything normal, although building isn't one of them, and I'll go ahead and do it whether I can or not! I'm so unrelenting.
I think it's time to give myself some TLC. I'm not happy being ill or suffering any effects it may throw at me but I think there comes a time when you have to give in to yourself and if I'm honest I think that time is now! I'm taking it easy today. The wall can wait, the cleaning can wait and my family can survive one day without my intervention.
I don't feel on top of myself at all and it takes quite a lot for me to say that! Perhaps I'm a little scared and who would blame me after spending almost 2 years in hospital. I thought I was doing well and by all accounts I was. My friends tell me I look wonderful! And I always reply "I am!" If anyone really knew me they'd realise that I'm not that good at all. I don't think that nearly falling backwards into a supermarket freezer is that good. That's what happened to me recently. If the frozen chicken compartment hadn't been there I'd have been in the freezer head first!
This business of partialy fainting is a worry because one day I just might go the whole hog and fall to the floor. Knowing me it will be in the most public of places and it would be anything but graceful. In fact landing in a freezer head first is probably the foreseen future, legs up in the air and probably the one and only time I decided to wear a skirt! My underwear will not match and instead of having my skimpy underpants on, I'll have on my polker dot Knickerbocker Glories that come up to the waist. My padded bra would be dented so as to make my chest look deformed like a deflating beach ball, I'd have this wierd look on my face and an attack of Raynauds the like you'd never seen. That's me in a nutshell!
Hooked up to my nutrition, and my lifeline strapped to my back. I've never had a life less normal for over 4 years and I can't remember how life was to be, well! -- normal! I couldn't envisage myself indulging in a whopping great meal for instance -- the very thought makes me gasp for breath! I can't remember how it feels to go out and have drink in the pub and not worry about getting slightly tipsy. The thought of that makes me clutch my stomach in sympathy. The fact is, any alcohol gives me pain and I struggle to drink a cup of coffee, never mind half a pint!
I think, on the whole, that I manage quite well! I keep my inner thoughts just where they should be. I shoudn't complain, there are people far worse off than myself all over the world and at least I'm in a country that provides treatment even if it's not always the best! So much to be grateful for and so much to grieve over. I suppose life's like that with or without a chronic illness so why am I any different?
TLC today and a good old pamper. If I feel sorry for myself -- I won't apologise this time. Call it lazy or just plain plain old selfish -- today is the start of me!