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Living A Lie!

Posted by CFMBabs , 30 August 2009 · 1,057 views

There's a definite nip in the air! I went outdoors this morning just to let my hubby out of the drive, my car was parked behind his, and I could see my breath. The car was damp and cold and, yes, my Raynaud's was in full bloom. The end of summer is here. "Huh! what summer?" I hear some of you scream, well you'd be right of course! We've had little or no summer at all, perhaps one or two days that actually felt like it should and my, how the weeds grew!

My skimpy tops stayed in the drawer and instead of folding away my jumpers, well they've been in use all season, I think my summer wear can be filed away under holiday clothing and 2010 Greece! The radio studio is nice and warm, for me that is. They marvel at my endurance with windows closed and air conditioning off. I present my show in jumper and trousers, whilst others wilt and sweat. I'm in Utopia for a few hours.

No one realises even myself sometimes, how much of an impact a chronic disease can have upon a person. I've altered my style of living -- you have to. I accept, but hate it all the same, that I'm not like other people. I never used to be like this, I was normal once. I'd love to rush around, grabbing lunch and wear nice clothes instead of my trademark jeans and heavy top. I'm sure they think I'm secretly turning into a man or something.

Good job no one can see through my smile. I'm a brilliant actress. I often think an Oscar would be on the cards for my performance on daily living. "Excuse me whilst I just go to the bathroom." A quick blast from the hand dryer prevents a multitude of awkward questions. "What's that! Oh, are they sore?"

I decline any activity that involves enjoyment. I could have joined the bowling team but a busy schedule prevented me from accepting the invite -- Not! I could have gone on a team building weekend which involved an assault course. Can you imagine me doing that? Not likely is the answer. My excuse was spared by the fact I was on holiday -- phew!

I'm living a lie, there's no doubt about that! How long can I keep it up, no one knows. Can I cope with a deluge of sympathy or a scornful look of disappointment?

I hate myself sometimes but I'm loving the life I've created.




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