Contrary to what I know you all think of me, I don't have it all together. Nope, I'm not the calm, cool, collected supermom with all the answers that I appear to be.
But make no mistake! I USED to be! (if only in my mind).
That could be why I suffer from the occasional anxiety attack today. Just talked myself out of a full blown, chest crushing, hyperventalating, finger tingling, arm numbing, dizzying panic attack - well with a little help from my doctor's nurse, bless her heart!
The first time I had a full blown anxiety attack was on a hot, stuffy, crowded plane. I managed to talk myself out of that one too. The fear of embarrassment and causing a scene was greater than the fear of what was happening to my body - even though all I wanted to do was rip off all my clothes and jump out the window.
The next one came in the middle of a meeting where as secretary, I was taking notes. I had to excuse myself and go home. The worst one was about 2 years ago here at home in the middle of the night. I thought I was having a heart attack and it may have been triggered by an esophageal spasm. I had to call 911 before I passed out. My youngest son is still traumatized by the EMT's taking me away.
Today, I just couldn't stop my mind from racing. I started fretting over - well, everything! The foremost in my mind - getting my son and his friend to their driver's ed class on time (I'd better be careful here or I may relapse). My mind flooded with what-ifs. What if the bridge opens for marine traffic and makes us late? If we're late they will charge us $15. What if there's an accident? What if WE are in an accident? I should not let my son drive...
From there it just went on and on until my stomach was in knots and my chest was so tight I couldn't breathe. I envisioned the medics coming again and I sure did not want that so I called my doctor's office and my nurse helped me to breathe regularly again. She consulted my doctor and he advised me to have someone drive me to the walk-in clinic and get checked out.
I told them I could have my son drive me there when he got home in an hour but after I felt a little better I decided not to go. I really, really do not want to worry him, or my youngest, plus I have to be here to babysit a 7 year old when the elementary bus arrives. I seriously considered asking my dad or my sister to drive my son and his friend to driver's ed but I don't want to put them out. So again, my fear of worrying others or having to put someone out of their way for me, overcomes my anxieties. I know that is wrong. But I cannot help it.
My nurse said turn on the tv for a distraction. Too annoying! Writing to yall here is a good distraction for me.
I made an appointment to see my doctor first thing in the morning to discuss what to do with me. Here comes the high school bus - time to suck it up - again.
*Sigh* I'll be alright - nobody worry about me! I mean it!
You - will - not - be - lieve - it!
The bridge DID open for marine traffic! We were about 20 cars too late to make it across. I - do -not - be - lieve - it! I have not gotten stuck on the bridge in well over a year! Marine traffic is not a regular thing - maybe a couple times a week? And on the very first day of driver's ed class, the very thing I was fretting about, happened and made us late.
Thankfully not too late and as it turns out more than 1/2 the class (9 out of 14 students) all come from our side of the bridge. It's normally only a 1/2 hour drive but if you get stuck for a bridge opening (thus a closing) then you can add at least another 1/2 hour to your travel. The instructor didn't charge anybody for being late. I don't think that's fair anyway.
Well once there, the kids hurried in and I had brought my crossword puzzle book to occupy myself for the next 2 hours but there was a nice break in the rain and the night air felt good so I went for a walk. I had not walked through this olde part of this cute Scandanavian town in more than 15 years. It looks a bit like Santa's North Pole only without the snow. The shops are precious and the bistros and restaurants were warm and inviting as was the famous bakery which had all their wares in the window - taunting me.
It was a nice, peaceful walk, a good distraction. I got back to Betsy just as it started to rain again. I just sat and enjoyed the sound of the rain on the roof of the suburban. Before I knew it, the kids were coming out and we headed home. They have their first drive tomorrow! I can't believe my baby is driving.
Well it's off to bed now. I have an early doctor appt. Going to be pretty embarrassing. I hope he can fix me.
4:18 am - I'M UP!
In browsing some info on anxiety attacks, I found this from helpguide.org:
"A panic attack may be a one-time occurrence, but many people experience repeat episodes. Recurrent panic attacks are often triggered by a specific situation, such as crossing a bridge
or speaking in public – especially if that situation has caused a panic attack before. Usually, the panic-inducing situation is one in which you feel endangered and unable to escape."