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My mum feels she won't be loved, because of her illness


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#1 jules1

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Posted 04 October 2010 - 08:13 PM

My mum lives in Australia and she thinks that she will never be loved because of her illness. What do you think? I don't think she is right at all.

#2 Shelley Ensz

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Posted 05 October 2010 - 02:00 AM

Hi Jules,

Welcome to Sclero Forums. I know there will be a lot of opinions on this subject.

First of all, I don't know the story behind this, and I am not a counselor of any sort at all, so please bear that in mind and forgive me if I say the wrong things.

I am wondering if you might be presuming that your mother wants to find love now. She may have already been there, done that, and have no interest in complicating her life at the moment. Not everyone is in a constant quest for companionship, and many people are happier single than they are in a relationship.

If she does want a close relationship, but doesn't believe it is possible, then she is right. It won't happen because she doesn't believe it can or will happen so her mind and heart are closed to it.

This could also be an expression on her part of self-pity, depression, or fending off someone who is trying to change her (i.e. trying to force her into a relationship that she doesn't want.) It is very easy to use illness as an excuse, such as, I can't find love because I'm ill, whereas the truth is that millions of people find oodles of love despite all sorts of ailments and calamities. But she might be begging off on it, simply because the illness is a handy thing that people will understand.

I'd say, let her alone on this score, unless she is continually whining that this issue is making her miserable, in which case some counseling could help her to see that she is still quite lovable and that there is still plenty of time and space left to build new friendships and relationships. After all, theoretically at least, illness doesn't automatically make any of us unable to love or be loved. However, some of us do let it interfere with our attitudes enough to cause all sorts of relationship disruptions, especially if we aren't aware of the pitfalls of self-pity and how to positively cope with the many, and great, challenges of illness.

I'm not in the finest health and haven't been for years; neither is my husband. But our challenges have brought us closer together and made us more understanding of each other, and given us more opportunities to prove our love in difficult situations. Frankly, I'm not so much a fan of "perfect love" when people are entirely beautiful, successful, healthy, and problem-free. That is simply gliding on the upwinds of life, and anyone can do that. She would definitely be out of the market for that sort of fairy-tale, but far more likely to encounter genuine loving kindness from others, if she is able, and willing, to open her heart to it.
Warm Hugs,

Shelley Ensz
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#3 Amanda Thorpe

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 03:35 AM

Hello Jules

Welcome to the forums! You see I think that the best people have scleroderma which means that your mother is one of the best and I would have thought anyone would want to be in relationship with the best.

Take care.
Amanda Thorpe
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#4 janey

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 04:29 AM

Hey Darlin',
Welcome to the Sclero forums. I'm sorry that your mother is going through the emotional baggage that typically comes with this disease. Please give her a hug and reassure her that those who love her now will continue to love her and, in many cases, love her more. That's certainly what I have found to be true. I've also developed new friends that are so close to my heart and so involved in my life that it's like we've been friends for a lifetime!
Janey Willis
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