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Motivated By Desperation. Paralized By Fear


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#1 barefut

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 02:56 AM

That pretty much sums up how I've been living my life for at least the past 2 years. And I'm getting pretty tired of running up the down escalator and getting nowhere.

It seems I'm only motivated when I'm backed against a wall by vicious hounds. Then I'm paralized to make a move by fear of getting bit. That's no way to live.

I'm tired of waking up at 1:30 in the morning racked with worry, uncertainty, desperation and fear and not getting back to sleep. Somewhere around 4:30am I made the decision to go back on Prozac.

I need to get on with my divorce and get on with my life. I need to get on with my career goals and get out of debt. I need to get rid of the black cloud that I wake up with every morning and replace it with a little sunshine.

I'm optimistic that Prozac will help me get over this hump (mountain! :( ) It has helped me before and it's not like I'll have to be on it forever.

I am very fortunate that my scleroderma has not so far affected me in any major-ly debilitating ways. I would be stupid to wait until it does and THEN regret that I didn't get off my butt and fix what needed to be fixed in my life while I was still in a position to fix it.

Be well all,
Barefut

#2 annkd

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 05:01 AM

Hi Barefut - my girlfriend is always reminding me that everything changes - I need to hear that because when ones life throws too many curve balls, it is often paralizing. I think your idea to go back on Prozac sounds like a good one. You've got some big issues to deal with and if you are not sleeping and are feeling worried then you run the risk of setting off symptom of your lupus, etc. Hang in there and no that we're all pulling for you! - Hugs, Ann

#3 TJ903

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 05:18 AM

Sounds like my last 6 months since being diagnosed! I hope that the Prozac helps, may need to change my anti-depressant as well.

Find calm and strength where you can, I'll be sending you some good vibes!!!

#4 Elehos

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 05:32 AM

Hi Barefut,

That's why I put out that other post--it's awful waiting for the rug to get yanked out from under you again, and again, and again, and it becomes terrifying to keep trying only to land on your head yet again. Desperation is a good motivation, not necessarily the best, but sometimes it's all we have to work with. I'm sorry that things are so cruddy (I would spell that differently, but I'm on the board).

I'm also sorry that you are in a position for divorce, but from personal experience I know how a bad (nightmarish) marriage can cause horrible and frequent flares, and I wish the illness could be divorced as well. In spite of having a whacked out body, my second husband of 16 years still was game for marriage, so it's not necessarily the end of the road that way either.

Hope the prozac helps, that you get your career going, and that the black cloud lifts!

Best thoughts to you,

Elehos

#5 Clementine

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 12:56 PM

Barefut,
I hope you are feeling better and you woke up with sunshine, no black clouds.
Maybe you do just need a little help from Prozac to get you through this time. You are dealing with so many things right now, and then to have Scleroderma thrown into the mix....does not make it any better.

I am going through a dark time too. Hang in there sister and know you are not alone, although I am sure you feel you are. You have us.
xo
Jen

#6 Sweet

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 01:23 PM

Hi Barefut,

My heart goes out to you. You have so very much going on, and it's difficult to do all on your own.

It sounds like your decision is a good one. Antidepressant help in many situations - sometimes you just need a helping hand.

Please let us know how things are going, and when you start your meds!
Warm and gentle hugs,

Pamela
ISN Support Specialist
International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

#7 Shelley Ensz

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 04:19 PM

Hi Barefut,

I'm counting on the idea that once the meds kick in, you will find that you will be able to once more experience being motivated by dreams and leap into action with hope. I've been maritally recycled several times, and in retrospect, I really wish I hadn't gotten my pants in a bunch over any of it. What I thought was completely devasta ting and depressing at the time, I now look back on and totally rejoice that my life took that path to lead me where I am today, with a fabulous marriage of nearly 26 years.

Now I always try to comfort and inspire myself by looking for the silver lining, whenever I see clouds, because every difficulty holds the seeds of an equal or greater opportunity.

That means, Opportunity is knocking on your door! And if you meet her head on, just like you are doing right now, you will soon be a veritable happiness factory. After all -- you're not going to be divorced (yuk!) -- you're going to join the adventurous world of the maritally recycled with a whole new lease on life...after the meds kick in, that is.

You can do it. And there are plenty of folks around here who can attest to the fact that happiness and friendships and romance knows no bounds, not even among those of us who are ill. Trust me, there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Warm Hugs,

Shelley Ensz
Founder and President
International Scleroderma Network (ISN)
Hotline and Donations: 1-800-564-7099

The most important thing in the world to know about scleroderma is sclero.org.

#8 jefa

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 09:06 PM

I, too, am among those who have started life anew without the negative marital baggage. At age 50 I started my life over and it has been an emotionally uphill journey since. My illness arrived six years later and I am so relieved to have the support of my new husband (also recycled). You have had the illness to cope with before the relationship problems appeared, so it will be a bit harder, but know we are here for you when you need to vent, cry or just come get a virtual hug.
Warm wishes,
Jefa

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#9 LisaBulman

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Posted 28 June 2007 - 04:11 AM

Hi Barefut,
Life is an uphill battle and anyone who tells you different is wrong! I am glad that you have decided to go back on prozac. Wether it is the right decision or wrong you won't know until you try but atleast you made a decision to step away from the wall. Keep taking steps forward and before you know it you will have walked miles!

Hugs,
Lisa

Hope there is sunshine around you today.
Lisa Bulman
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#10 barefut

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Posted 30 June 2007 - 03:02 AM

Thank you everyone for your engouragement and support . Your stories of starting a new life are inspiring and give me hope for myself.

I have been in "park" for too long. Wasting precious time. Hopefully Prozac can turnover the "ignition" switch in my brain and I can shift into gear and get moving again. Not just for me but for my kids too.

Barefut

#11 nan

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Posted 30 June 2007 - 08:58 AM

Barefut,
I am really happy that you are going back on Prozac. You have got so much on your plate. You need to be able to sleep and you need to be able to enjoy your little angels. Hang in there! I send good thoughts your way! :D
Nan