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Family Issue


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#1 Katherine

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Posted 04 December 2007 - 11:57 AM

I have been caring for my aging mother for 15yrs.
Three years ago , starting with raynauds, I became ill . After a year of, doctors , a few gallons of blood, this test , that x-ray , we came to sclero and all of it's complications.
I had to stop working & apply for SSD.
Some days I can barely care for my self and my family has always to come to help out.

Well, I'm just not able to care for mother now and asked my brother and sister if one of them could take mother. My sister said NO .

Mother is difficult to put it mildly & needs constant care and attention.
We asked mother to consider assisted living, but she won't .

So my brother is going to take her. His place is small , and he doesn't want her directly in his home, so he is having mother buy a camper trailer and set it up aside his small trailer. When he came to get the scoop on mothers finances & such , his wife , although she didn't say any thing , sure gave me some dirty looks.

What got me is, what he said to me afterward.
" Now that I'm going to be caring for mother, you're on your own. I'll be to busy to help you any."

I just don't know how I want to feel .

Katherine

#2 Sam

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Posted 04 December 2007 - 12:38 PM

wow that is a blow... I think you need to discuss somethings with your mother its sounds to me that she will be better off at assistant living. I heard good things about them. We had cared for my grandma before she passed on we all took turns and she got to be in her own home. What gets me is when a child will say no they won't help take care of a parent.. That drives me crazy. I'm sorry that you in this predictment, hope things works out for you,. Sam
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#3 aniwallar

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Posted 04 December 2007 - 12:41 PM

Dear Katherine:

I'm so sorry you had that reaction from your brother. People don't understand what we are going thru, so yes, many times, we are on our own. Don't let that bring you down. You have been caring for your mother for 15 years and even though It was difficult, YOU DID IT and because of your condition, it's someone else's time to do it.
My point is that if you were able to care for your mother, now you have more time to take care of yourself. I know it still hurts to hear a relative say something like that, but maybe your brother is not all that happy about taking in the responsibility of your mother.
Hang in there and be strong for yourself.

Very, very warm thoughts,

Ani

#4 Sheryl

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Posted 04 December 2007 - 01:15 PM

Katherine, be glad that your brother has lifted a major burden from your shoulders. You can still try and help him and your mother when and if you feel like it or feel like you have the strength and time to devote. Helping occasionally is quite different than full time care. Even if you mother is able to do most things herself. I hope she is able to live in a trailer beside your brother without to many difficulties. You need to take care of you and if others can't cope with that oh well. If you aren't well you definately can't help others. Don't feel bad for what your brother said. Sometimes we don't always come off sounding right. He knows he will be much busier with mom next door. His wife will also be helping with groceries or other things. Let them have their turn. Your mom may be back with you some day. Take the time to enjoy the break. But, help when you can so that they are thankful for what ever time you devote. Sheryl
Strength and Warmth,
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#5 truman

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Posted 04 December 2007 - 05:02 PM

Sam:

It does drive you crazy when children do not care about tending to a parent. It will be a week tomorrow that I had my toe amputated, and my sons still have never contacted me to see how I am.

Talk about kids abandoning parents..........if my sons decide to pay a visit or call at this point.......I've conditioned myself to abandon them. I'm done, I'm no fool and will not be treated as such.


Strange, my ex husband who I have not seen in 20+ years stopped by to see me yesterday. I chuckled to him that he was there to see how I was, but my sons never did.
Tru

It is what it is...........

#6 truman

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Posted 04 December 2007 - 05:07 PM

Katherine:

Rule number one.....take care of yourself. Your love and devotion to your mother for the past years, has made you feel perhaps somewhat guilty for having your own illness. You need to watch and care for yourself. If your brother is creating a living arrangement suitable to him and your mother, let it go and start concentrating on yourself. His comment to you can be reversed back to him. In other words, you won't help him with your mother if he needs it.

You'll help, because you are a caring and loving individual. All in all, please put you on the top of the list.
Tru

It is what it is...........

#7 LisaBulman

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Posted 05 December 2007 - 05:49 AM

HI Katherine,
You are in a tough situation that no one will be happy with. You obviously need to care for yourself. Once you do that if there is anything left over, you can care for others. If your brother and sis in law don't realize this, then shame on them. Let them see how hard it is to devote your time to others and to take care of themselves as well. Once they get the feel for what you have done maybe they will think a bit differently. Do what you can, when you can. Everyone needs to take turns.

Hugs,
Lisa
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#8 Peggy

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Posted 05 December 2007 - 07:52 AM

I feel for you! There is nothing worse in this world than the "guilt" we put on ourselves and other people put on us. Everyone is right.............you need to take care of yourself first or you are of no good to anyone else.

When my Mom took care of my Dad, who died of Alzheimer's, he told my Mom ...............you need to accept help and you need to get breaks. You are better off having 12 good hours with a loved one than 24 hours of miserable ones because you are overdoing it.

I don't know where you are in your faith but you have to let things work out they way they are supposed to. Give this trailer idea a trial run and if it isn't serving your Mom well, who should be the primary concern in that situation, then you intervene and get her into an Assisted Living facility. I had my Mom in one before she died and they are wonderful. There are so many services available and if she qualifies they can be paid for by the State but it lessens the burden on the family to have these servcies provided by someone else.

Please hang in there and don't let the guilt get to you. You will have more to give to yourself now that you aren't trying to take care of Mom too.

Bless and stay warm. Warm hugs!

Peggy

#9 CraigR

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Posted 05 December 2007 - 08:48 AM

Sometimes we have to make the best decision for our parents, much as they did when we were children, and that may not be what they desire.

My mother is in very nice assisted living facility for people with dementia. She frequently insists that she would like to go home - even says she has two cars in the parking lot, but needs someone to point them out, so she can drive home (???????).

Granted, your mother sounds far more coherent. Still, the best decision may be for her to take up residence in a good assisted living facilty. This doesn't mean abandonment - you will certainly see her. But you cannot let one person dictate conditions that, in the balance, will likely be hurtful to the physical and mental health of you and others in your family. Since you and your siblings seem to have the responsibility for her, you also must have the power to make the best decision for all.

Craig

#10 Katherine

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Posted 06 December 2007 - 12:23 PM

As I fight back the tears , I want to thank all of you so much.

I do feel quilty as I know he won't care for her the way I do.
Angry that he wants to compare his bad back to my long list of health issues.
In defence of my sister, she said no, as , she has had dealings with our mother and she knows how difficult she can be.

I'm trying real hard to forgive them, for they do not know.
My sister wants to bite them both as she does know.

Again , thank you all so much. , Katherine

#11 Donna

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Posted 06 December 2007 - 01:30 PM

Katherine,
I have not been active on this board in such a long time, so you might not even know me - but I have been where you are and it's not easy - yes, you will feel guilt and everything else - BUT - I'm sure if you talked to any of your doctors, or your Mother's doctors, they will tell you that you are doing the right thing... No matter how much we love and care for our parents, we can't always continue to care for them....
I cared for my Mother in my home from the time my Father passed away in '96 up until 2001, when my Mother got worse, but then I still gave it another shot after she had some surgery, but once she was sent to a Nursing Home for rehab, and I saw how I was, and saw how my Mother was, I knew in my heart that I could no longer care for her...
Did I feel guilty, yes I did - and it's just my opinion, but I think anyone that has been that devoted to their Mother or Father and caring for them, and then the time comes when you can't do it any longer, it is just natural.........

I'm very sorry to hear of how your brother and his wife feels, just check in on your Mother when you can, and hopefully in time, she will agree to an Assisted Living Facility where she can be around people her age, and all that these places have to offer...After my Mom was in the NH, I still brought her home on special occassions and holidays - did it wear me down, yes it did, but it made me feel really good mentally and made my day...

As I said, I haven't been active on her for so long, maybe you can't bring her to your home now and then, but just keep letting your Mother know that even though you are no longer caring for her, that you still care and love her and everything will be fine....

I wish you the very best in this sad situation.....
Hang in there...........Hugs.......Donna

#12 debonair susie

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Posted 07 December 2007 - 06:25 AM

Dear Katherine,

I had typed a message and then I was unable to send it, as I was interrrupted and had to stop computing.

My sentiments are the same as Donna's... I believe that once your mom has a bit of living in the trailer, she'll opt for the alternative.

My hope is that you start putting the effort into caring for yourself as you so lovingly have your mom for those many years.

special Hugs for you,
Susie
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