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Needing To Talk


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#1 Sweet

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 06:16 AM

Hi Everyone -

Thought I'd start the day and give you a bit of an update on me.

Health-wise, I've been doing fairly well. My biggest battles are FATIGUE and PAIN. It's so hard to get anything done, or have too much joy when a person battles that. However, I know so many of you battle much more serious health issues, so I'm very grateful that is all I do battle!

Actually I've been battling some depression. As some of you know my son and daughter in law have planned to move to New Zealand (they've had a 5 year plan working on this. she's from there, all her family is there) It was supposed to be a 5 year plan, but they've bumped it up to 4. They just listed their house for sale a couple of months ago, which sent me into a big depression as the realization hit me as to how close it is. I'm so close with my son and his 2 girls. We have a tight special bond and to think I won't be able to see them every 2-3 weeks (they live 2 hours from me now) as I do now makes me physically sick, and my heart feels likes its breaking. They just received and accepted an offer on their house and it's supposed to close by the end of March. Then they will be gone........ It's hard for me to even put into words how I feel. I've been crying non stop for days. I have tried not to think of myself and realize how happy this is making my son. He sees this as an adventure. He's young enough (28) that he probably can't see how hard this is on all of us that won't be going.

When I tell people this, the first thing they say is "Oh but think of the trips you'll be able to take, I hear it's beautiful in NZ" Well yes, it is, but it's also a 30 hour fight and you arrive 2 days after you've left. It's clear across the WORLD, and will cost $3000. a piece to go. Now how often will I be able to make that trip??? The money is an immediate problem, but I also don't think my health will take the trip. I can't picture it. When I'm used to having the girls one on one here at my house for days on end, how will one trip a year if I'm lucky make up for that? It won't......

We were there this past weekend. The 3 year old who's world resolves around grandma woke up and came downstairs and cuddled into my bed with me….she was looking out the window and in a soft voice said “We selling the house, then we fly high in the sky and see Shilo, we buy new house”….then she got quiet…so I looked at her, she had tears in her eyes and then she said “I won’t see you for a long long time” I lost it so couldn’t speak for a while, we just laid there. I asked her mother when she woke up if she has been preparing her for the departure and shared the story with her. She said yes.


Sorry I didn't mean to make this such a depressing post, all of that just fell out of my mouth.

On a brighter note, my son just called this morning and said he doesn't have anything going on this weekend and his wife is working all weekend, so he asked if he could come up with the girls -WELL OF COURSE!!! so I'll get to love on them for a couple of days and that is always a joy.

thanks for listening.
Warm and gentle hugs,

Pamela
ISN Support Specialist
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#2 peanut

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 08:04 AM

* * * big hugs * * *
* * * big hugs * * *
* * * big hugs * * *

peanut

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my HMO makes me wear a helmet...

#3 epasen

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 10:44 AM

Pam,
I'm feel so sorry for you. It's just the worst thing in the world, to be taken apart from the people you love. I cannot really find the right words right now. Just hang in there. Emmi

#4 jefa

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 11:15 AM

And more big hugs from me, Sweetie. I can identify strongly with what you are going through as my two children and their families (and my parents) all live in California. I haven't been home for a visit in nearly three years. I used to go home every two years, but now I am just too tired to make the trip. My son came to visit alone for a week last year and it as lovely. I stay connected by phone and the grandkids are now getting old enough so they can send emails on their own or write letters, so it is not quite so bad. One thing you might consider is immigration to New Zealand - nurses are in demand. You might find that the climate is just what the doctor ordered. Of course, your husband might have something to say about that. We have a program right now that follows fifteen families who explore the possibilities of doing just this - they send them there for a trial week to test housing, employment, recreation, etc. Very interesting. Worth thinking about - perhaps as a retirement option.
Warm wishes,
Jefa

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#5 Michelle2

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 11:28 AM

Hi Sweet~

My heart aches for you. I can't imagine what your going through. You're not being selfish by being upset by their move. This is your family, the ones you love so much more than anything in the world. Of course your feeling this way your a loving Mom. We all would feel this way. I like what Jefa said, you might consider retiring there and well, maybe you could do 6 months there and then 6 months over here. Hang in there sweetie!

BIG BIG HUGS TO YOU!
Take care and stay warm,

Michelle

#6 gemjar

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 12:01 PM

Hi Pam,

So sorry to hear your family are moving away :( It is heartbreaking I know ! You have made me realise how my own mother must have felt when we descided to move from NSW to QLD (not as far as your son) Cutting those apron strings at 34 was very much needed and not easy for me either, but after the initial feeling of guilt and abandonment (on my part) that lasted about a week, it turned into my first real life adventure. My mother and I have always been close and we missed eachother terribly, so we both invested in webcams where we could set up a time and connect that way. We loved it, the children loved it, it truely was the next best thing to being there. Our relationship has developed much stronger than before and when we seen eachother it would be as if we were never apart. That to me is a true sign of a close relationship ! When we visited once a year, it would be for a few weeks and it was always more precious than before. Now my mother and her husband have moved up here too, so we are close again. I am very Blessed !

I hope this gives you some encouagement. The relationships you have built with your family are solid and therefor that bond will never be broken, no matter how far the miles between you.

{{{{Big hugs for you}}}}

Warmly,
Karen

#7 Sheryl

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 12:20 PM

Pamela, you will definately miss your grandchildren. You will find so many things to talk with them though when they call or you call them. My son and family were in Japan for 1+1/2 years. I missed them terribly. We were suppose to go for a visit but my mother needed hip replacement surgery and I was the one taking care of her. So, we didn't get to go. I just kept counting down the months. Talking to them as often as I could. with the 13 hour time difference it was hard. Is this a 3 to 5 year plan to be away? Or was that the original plan for when they were going to leave the states? Don't let this ruin your special times with them now. Enjoy all the moments and store up all your memories. You will need them. Maybe if you went with them orginally and helped set up or just take care of the kids while they looked for a place and jobs that would help you. You will be traveling with them and wouldn't be alone on the way over. Just a thought. I know what you are going through. My grand kids really changed while they were away. But, they loved the experience and the entire group would move back there and live there if they could. They love the people and have made many friends. Your grand kids will get to meet all the relatives on their mommy's side of the family. They need to know where there mom grew up and see the things she saw. I will shut up now. I am most likely making you cry again. I feel for you. Sheryl
Strength and Warmth,
Sheryl

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#8 truman

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 01:55 PM

Sweet:

There is nothing anyone can say to comfort you at this time. Clearly, we realize that as our children grow, it is their life to live as they choose; the same as we did.

It is not their outline to include us, the parents in the overall plan they've laid out.

I know this doesn't change our feelings, our heart, our love for our children.

As you and others on this site know, I virtually lost mine in June. I came to the realization as the months passed, that I never had children.

Mine have returned, but in a very stilted and protected way. The feeling is just not as connected as once before.

Your choices are to follow them where ever and when ever they go, or to stay connected through your love via emails, letters, phone, visits. If you are able to relocate to their destination, do so.

You say your son is happy with the thought of this new adventure; isn't that the whole picture? Isn't it up to us as parents to realize we did a beautiful job, and now, we need to let go and let our children continue as we did.

They come back, everything is a full circle in time.

Hang in there Sweet. Everything happens for a reason and one door doesn't close without another one opening.
Tru

It is what it is...........

#9 barefut

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 06:02 PM

Oh Sweet Sweet Pam,

Your post made me cry. It is heart breaking and I have no words that would console you when the only thing you really want to hear is "We've changed our minds mom, we're staying!"

Just know my thoughts are with you. And if you need some antidepressants to help you through this rough time, there's no shame in that.

Love you!
Barefut

#10 peanut

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 08:31 PM

Sweet,
Just had an idea... you should all get web cams! This way you can see your family. I'm going to get one when I get my stem cell transplant because I'm going to be away from hubby for almost 2 months. He gets very grumpy without me.

More hugs,
peanut

You can deprive the body but the soul needs chocolate
my HMO makes me wear a helmet...

#11 summer

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Posted 18 January 2008 - 11:17 PM

Hi Pamela,

I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you,I'm sure that you will treasure the time that you have with your family and you never know, after a few months they may decide to come back home.

Maybe you should get involved in a new hobby (one that's not tiring) to keep your self busy.

Take care Pamela and try and not to dwell on things too much.
Celia

#12 janey

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 05:52 AM

OH Sweetheart!
Lots and lots of big comforting hugs to add to all the rest! Your latest picture portrays how much you love those girls. Your smile says it all! I think Peanut's idea is a great one! Web cams are a cheap and easy way to stay in touch further than the normal phone call or email. My sister got one for her daughter when she flew across the country to go to school. As she said "We saw each other everyday!"

Peanut - Boy do I know what you mean about the husband getting grumpy without you! However, it he didn't get grumpy I'd be worried.-:)

Big, big hugs,
Janey

#13 kelowna52

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 07:15 AM

Pamela, I am so sorry to hear this news. My daughter lives in Toronto and has for 15 years. when she left I thought my heart was being ripped out. She is thinking of moving back to Vancouver after she's finished University in April, if she can get a job. Of course I am very excited, but when she left I was so sad I didn't know what to do with myself. I have a great long distance plan and we are online with MSN alot. I like the idea some of the other girls are suggesting a possible move there for you. If you could make it happen that would be wonderfull. I know a move to another Country sounds totally impossible, but who knows, it's worth checking into. New Zealand sounds wonderfull, nice weather, beautifull scenery, etc. I know when you have health problems, it sounds impossible. I would check it out, you never know. Well, try to enjoy your time with your family now, and try to be happy for them, this is a great adventure for them

Take Care

Jackie S.

#14 Peggy

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 01:14 PM

I am so sorry. My mother used to have a saying that our children are just "borrowed to us" and how true. They make us who we are and having them close is what makes us a family. You have to cherish the time you have with them and cherish the memories. I have a son who is off to Afghanistan to fight the war and I too, like you, lay in my fatigue and worry and get depressed. We have to try and stay busy and be so very grateful that we have these beautiful people in our lives and the love and bonds will always be there.

Blessings to you and a very warm hug from Minnesota.

Peggy

#15 Snowbird

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 04:48 PM

My two cents worth...I also think Peanut's idea of the web cams is a great idea. Friends of mine have that too...their daughter, husband, and only grandchild moved to the other side of the world as well.....and although they miss them like mad because they can't stand in front of them and hug them, they really love to be able to see them and talk to them on the web cam whenever they like, they get really excited when those days draw near and treasure those moment too. I know it helped them all to adjust to the move easier....I'm sure in the back of your mind you think that those grandbabies will forget what you look like, but you have such a good relationship with them...there's no way that will happen Sweet...enjoy your time with them now and then think about positive plans for special times with all of them whether its by web cam, phone, letters, or a trip to NZ...sounds to me like you'de go to the moon to see your family (hope in some small way that makes NZ sound a whole lot closer to you).....lots of hugs!
Sending good wishes your way!

#16 emmie

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Posted 19 January 2008 - 05:00 PM

Pam,

I cannot imagine my grands being that far away. It would break my heart. I am glad we have this part of the forum now so we can share this type of thing. It definitely does affect our condition(s).

I really hope you use this part of sharing often as the process continues. I hope you have some hands to hold and arms that will hug you. You know you have cyber hands and hugs and ears for listening here.

Lots of empathy to you,

emmie

#17 Sweet

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Posted 21 January 2008 - 04:47 AM

Hi Everyone,

I can't tell you how your overwhelming support hit me when I logged on today and saw all of this. You guys are amazing! So much love, and so much good advice! Thank you all so very much!

Peanut, thank you for the hugs, I certainly need them. My lap top does have a web cam, and I've talked with the kids about getting one. They say they will, but need to wait until they get over there, as they aren't sure if the electronics are user friendly in both countries. Funny though I have the web cam, but not sure how to use it to see them. Do I use MSN IM or something? Do you have to use a certain program to see each other? :blink:

Jefa, you know I thought about you when I wrote my post. I knew you were a transplant to your area. How in the world did you ever end up there? Did you have any guilt about leaving? I really can't move to NZ. At this time anyway, I just have no desire to live there other than my son and his girls would be there. I have a daughter who lives here too and has two kids, so I couldn't leave them. It's all just a mess. :)

Many of you mentioned us retiring there, but we really are not even near retirement age, I'm 48 and my husband is 41.

Sheryl, the 5 year plan was preparing for the leave to NZ. They were only going to stay in NZ for about 5 years, but that was when they only had one child (my daughter in law wants to make sure they go to primary school there) now that they have 2 it's been bumped to 10 years. My feeling is once they are there that long, they won't be coming back. And Yes, you made me cry again. :)

Truman, thank you for your wise words.

Barefut, You have no idea how many times, I've dreamt about what you said. "We've changed out minds!" I keep thinking they are not gone yet, something could happen, something might fall through, shoot even if I could get one more year it would make it a bit better as the youngest one might have a better chance of remembering who grandma is.

Janey, I am really hoping I feel like your sister when it comes to the web cam. Wish you could reach in and get a hug too!

Hey Jackie - I could use some advice on the long distance plan. Do you use a calling card? What kind of rate do you get?

Peggy, thank you so much, and thank you for the pm. *hugs*

Again thanks to you all for your help. Hope you won't get tired of me whining about it, because I have a feeling this won't be the last time. :)

Love you all!!
Warm and gentle hugs,

Pamela
ISN Support Specialist
International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

#18 Clementine

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Posted 21 January 2008 - 05:51 AM

Pamela,
A little late, but I've been out of town. I am so sorry your family is moving away.
I am hoping they will come back to visit you often.
Hmm, not that I don't want them to not like NZ, but you never know...they may not like it at all...and they may miss you too much.
Hang in there baby...
Love, love and more love,
Jen

#19 lizzie

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Posted 28 January 2008 - 12:11 AM

Hi Sweet, I experienced a similar situation but in my case it was the grandaprents going abroad rather than the grandchildren!. My parents moved from the UK to Hong Kong because of my fathers job. I had two small boys , one aged 3 and one 3 months, and was devastated that my parents , and my mother in particular, were going as they lived only half an hour away and we saw them frequently. I know my mother missed the grandchildren, but she used to come to the UK for 2 -3 months in the summer (she didn't work in HK) and my father would join us for a couple of weeks. we also used to talk on the phone lots ( this was pre the internet)
My sister lives in US (GA) and her daughter who lives in the UK had a baby last year. My sister works and given that she only gets 15 days holiday( I can't believe how little holiday you have in the US!) only gets over to see them very infrequently. She has found the internet a lifeline and gets to talk to them and see them via a webcam.

I know that it will be awful for you when they go, but with technology you can still keep in close touch. One day maybe they will develop that Star Trek technology of being able to transport yourself elsewhere instantly!
Lizzie

#20 Sweet

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Posted 28 January 2008 - 06:52 AM

Thanks Lizzie for your words of encouragement. I know the Internet is going to be a lifesaver. I will have to INSIST my son and daughter in law get a computer with a web cam!!
Warm and gentle hugs,

Pamela
ISN Support Specialist
International Scleroderma Network (ISN)