Off Subject (not Scleroderma)
Posted 18 December 2006 - 06:20 PM
She was one of the greatest people I have ever known. She was legally blind and she lived her life like she had no disability at all. She was an inspiraton to me and to so many other people I know. I admired her strength, courage and her perserverance.
She was a beautiful, beautiful person inside and out. She was fun and funny and warm and caring. Just a lot of fun to be around. Five minutes after I met her I felt like I had known her all my life. She made everyone around her feel so comfortable and at home. That's what I remember most about her, how when I was with her, I felt at home.
After graduation we lived 2 hours away from each other but kept in touch through letters and occasional phone calls and get togethers but as time went by, our contact became less frequent.
A little over a year ago she sent me a card. In it she talked about relationship problems. She also said that I was special to her and she wanted to keep in better touch. I never replied to that letter and it was her last. Losing her address was no excuse because I could have sent something to her mom who always made sure she got her mail. I was a lame friend.
She was there for me through one of the darkest times in my life and I was not there for hers. I could have been. I SHOULD have been.
I always thought she'd always be here. I thought I could get in touch with her anytime I wanted and we could get together again. How selfish of me. How long does it take to write a letter or make a phone call? I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for not staying in closer contact with her like she wanted to. I was not there for her because it was not convienent for me. I was a self-absorbed, lame, lame 'friend'. She deserved better from me.
There is nothing I can do now. Nothing I can do to make it up to her. Oh I will miss her so much. What a colossal waste. She was gem.
Please, go call a friend tonight.
Thanks for listening,
Posted 19 December 2006 - 06:39 AM
I am so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. I know that this must be really hard for you. Please don't add to your grief by beating yourself up. My guess is that she new how much you cared for her even if you didn't maintain the contact at the level she or you wanted. I hope that you can remember the wonderful times you shared and enjoy those memories rather then overwhelming yourself with guilt. I am sending you a great big hug!
Posted 19 December 2006 - 07:31 AM
A ((((((great big hug!)))))) Please do not stress out on what you didn't do, but rather cherish all the good times you and friend had together. Friends don't have to say "I care" because it's a given. Distance and time may interrupt the communication process, but it can't interrupt the feelings you have for each other. So go bury your guilt in the backyard and celebrate your friend's life. You know that's what she would want.
Big, big Hugs to you Darling,
Posted 19 December 2006 - 08:06 AM
I was so moved by your humbleness! I'm soooo sorry for your loss. And there IS something you can do for her. And that is to be the friend that you thought you should have been to her for the next person that needs someones compassion. Even through her death she is reaching out and teaching you about life and it's unpredictability, and to never take it for granted. Just by posting about it, and humbling yourself to others about your lack of response to her needs, you are honoring her! I think we have ALL done that exact same thing to somebody in our lives. You're not alone in this. Thank you for sharing your heart felt story. I hope your heart heels with the love you still have for your special friend!
Warmest Wishes to you. Vee
Warm and Happy to you! Vee
Posted 19 December 2006 - 11:34 AM
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend. I think we are just too hard on ourselves at times - remember the lines of communication went both ways. Beating yourself up over this will not accomplish anything but making you feel worse and this isn't good for your health. Please give yourself a rest, vent here when you feel you need to, and know we care about you. Sometimes "journaling" helps me to work through a problem, so perhaps you can do that, just start writing and get it all out.