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  • barefut

    Just for Today

    By barefut

    I'm tired. So tired. Tired of nausea,  of living in the bathroom,  of pain, of this dreary weather. Tired of being tired. Tired of scleroderma.    Today I gave up. I let scleroderma win. And it felt good. Sometimes I just don't have any fight in me. Some warrior I am. I don't even have the energy to be angry. And you know what? I don't care. At least for today, I don't care.    Sometimes we need a break and we never get one from Scleroderma but at least we can give ourselves
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  • barefut

    My Scleroderma Diagnosis Story

    By barefut

    Not long after my first son was born I started having a lot of unexplained muscle pain and fatigue. The year was 1997. Soon, my hair started falling out - by the hand fulls. Not in clumps but overall thinning, at an alarming rate. I went to a dermatologist and he said that since I was nursing it was probably a lack of vitamin K. So I took vitamin K. I was having lower back pain and since I had been diagnosed with a bulging disc from a work related injury when I was 5 months pregnant, I w
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Tomatoes Or Cabbages?

I guess with too much time on your hands, your mind begins to wander. I was sat alone in my living room, reminiscing about days gone by. I could hear voices in my head (Don't worry I'm not schizophrenic -- yet!). My Uncle John holloring across the yard to my Uncle Joe -- " Cow's in the veg, Joe!"   Back then they grew tomatoes, sold the plants and grew rows upon rows of them in greenhouses spanning the entire length of the garden. The garden was just a small piece of land put aside -- the rest

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Gettin On With Life!

'Getting on with life' is a term I use loosely for the way I feel on a day to day basis, however there are days which bring me back to earth with a bang! I like to pretend that I am, after all, a normal human being. I look no different facially, a fortunate case I'm told. I act no differently with my friends and behave in much the same way as I've always done for the last 30 years or so. So when these 'off' days come it's a shock even to me.   Just when you're least expecting it, that little r

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Lunch Break

I have got to start adding a snack between my 8:30 yogurt and my 12:30 lunch. I am ready to faint with hunger.   One sip of my cup of noodle soup and I realize that I have GOT to have a sandwich. Not enough time left to go out, so I improvise with what I can find in the employee kitchen. The best I can do is someone's leftover cream cheese and a package of corn chips from the Honor Service Box. Crunchy, chewy; not bad. It'll have to do.   Half hour left of lunch break. Take a walk or take a

barefut

barefut

Despair With Doctors

Much is said about doctors, be it good or bad. Fact is they are only human, with some exceptions of course! I've come across so many of them in my time, every age, nationality and gender. I therefore feel I've earned the right to applaud or critcise doctors, since my dealings with them have been many. The good ones always made me feel better, the bad ones always worse. I have, thankfully met more good than bad but the fact remains that there are bad ones out there and I fear those I've yet to me

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Milestones!

Support Groups, I never thought that I would ever in my life need one. I'm not the sort to confide in people or share my misfortune in a way that would attract sympathy or pity. In short what on earth am I doing relenting on my past tense?   I guess coming to terms with a chronic illness sets you apart from the norm, like I never thought I would marry,have a baby, grow old, least not get to 40! But here I am having done all 4 and past the 40 mark as well. I guess we all have our milestones and

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Self Inflicted Pain

I'm glad our football team won yesterday, it was a great treat for my daughter's 17th birthday. She received, amongst other things, a signed football from the team and a special treat from us -- a meal at the stadium.   It was bitterly cold, the wind was cutting and although I had two pairs of socks and a pair of furry boots on my feet, the cold still got through! My hands were dead for most of the match and my knees wouldn't work when I got up from my seat, so why did I do it? I guess that qu

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Let's Eat Pancakes!

This year I'm tossing pancakes for the old folk, residents of the local elderly care home after featuring them on my Thursday radio cooking spot.   We have lots of silly little customs, but these little holiday festivals always remind me that winter is slipping away and spring is just around the corner. I yearn for spring, even more for summer, and if you have Raynauds you will know why!   Last night was particulary rough. High winds, and a snow forecast drag me back to reality -- is winter

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Good Old Days

I'm at inner peace with my condition! By that I mean I have total acceptance of the way I am. I never went through denial, in fact I was more relieved to discover that the symptoms I'd been having were, in fact, not in my head but had a fancy name to boot, even Greek by origin!   That was 8 years ago when I thought I was going out of my mind! The word Hypochondria raised its ugly head on more occasions than I'd like to admit. Even my own family thought I was looking for attention or sympathy a

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Womb For Rent

Actually, if I was a healthy person, I'd make the space available for free. I loved being pregnant - growing a little life inside of me - it is such a privilege. I wish all women could experience the elation of pregnancy.   When I hear of women having like their 10th kid, my first thought is, "Is she nuts?!" Two boys was definately enough for me. Then I get a little jealous of all that pregnancy time. I hear some of you saying, "Is she nuts?!" I know, pregnancy isn't so great for everyone; in

barefut

barefut

Yesterday's Appointment

As far as appointments go I suppose yesterday was a bit mediocre. I travelled 30 miles there and the same back with a stiff neck, sore back and little patience with congestion at every road exit. No wonder I returned home feeling like I'd wasted a complete day with nothing to show!   The highlight of the day had to be meeting my friend in clinic otherwise I may have fallen asleep with boredom. And coupled with the fact that two people were called at once and fought for the weighing chair had m

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Money, Life And A Built House

Waking to the sound of a cockerel's crow may sound idyllic for some, indeed it was a very 'country thing' at first and it put a wry smile on my face as the young rooster tried his new found call: rock-a-doodle -- eeek as apposed to doooo! Now it's well and truly found its cry and personally I feel like chucking my boot at it.   My daughter is at an age where clothes, boyfreinds and personal appearance are the only thing that matters. It's not considered the in thing to be countryfied with an H

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Personal Triumph

I don't have many personal triumphs these days, in fact my days without any kind of trauma are few. Above all else, I have a family to be thankful for, a wonderful daughter to boast about, a lovely country life albeit pandemonium at times and a husband who is at least loyal if not totally understanding.   My personal triumph is a feather in my cap as they say. I fought the sytem and won! I battled for justice against a very flawed system, changed the law and got recompence for my father. Yes!

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Rain, Rain Go Away!

Today was my rheumatologist appointment. I say was, because I'm not going! I can't believe how bad the weather has been, not just recently but for over 12 months. It's hardly ever stopped raining and in the last 48hrs it's dropped over a months worth of rainfall. My unfinished house is flooded way above shoe level and I'm walking around in rubber boots.   I took my daughter to college this morning and I should have had a boat. The roads are all flooded, driving conditions are atrocious and it'

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Should Have Known Better!

I did a very silly thing today. I swore at myself for being so stupid and I punished myself with pain so great that it was almost unbearable -- what am I talking about?   Raynaud's!   I dared to venture outdoors without gloves or proper footwear. I fed the chickens, brought in fuel for the fire and then sat with my hands sandwiched between my knees to ease the pain. They were so painful, like the pain I remember from my childhood after playing in the snow for too long. I shivered like a le

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Time Flies

My daughter is 17 in two weeks time. I'm not about to go on about how time flies, we all know about that, it's a fact of life that growing older happens to us all. Next year will be our 20th wedding anniversary, Steve's 50th birthday, my daughters 18th and both our fathers 80th birthdays -- what a year! And in the midst of all of that, hopefully it will be our housewarming as well. There is much to celebrate, so why am I feeling so reluctant to even discuss the event at any length? Well for one

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Changes

Mom is moving in with us in February through the summer. She will be a big help with the kids and the house. We are setting her up in our over-sized laundry room which was my preschool craft room.   I just went in and took down the last remnants of anything "preschool". I cried like a baby - still am crying. I miss it so much. I didn't know how much. It's hard to look at anything we did last year. The "All About Me" assignments with the kids' photos, the holiday crafts, the books we read all s

barefut

barefut

New Year Resolution

Holidays over with for another year and I suppose the next best thing to look forward to is spring. I sure hope the weather improves this year. Last year was a total washout with many places flooded, including my unfinished extension to the cottage, which if it stays like that for much longer I'll be stocking it with fish!   This whole house renovation is the bane of my life and has been for almost five years. I need nothing short of a miracle to happen to complete this never ending dust site.

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Pet Peeves

My dog stinks. I hate that. He stinks up my house. I can't make him go outside on account of his eyes - his big brown "Mommy don't make me go outside" eyes with those eyebrows that go up and make him look even more pathetic. So, my house stinks. I hate that.   Give him a bath? Yea, right. Me and what army? I just have to $ave up for the groomer.   OH! Pet peeves don't have to be about your pet? Well then - where do I start?   Tangled hangers Tangled paperclips Tangled hair Gray hairs

barefut

barefut

Help Me. Computer Blues!

I don't mean to go on about technology and me but it's quite simple that the two definitely don't mix. I'm fast approaching a half century and I've witnessed many changes in recent years. I'm still coming to terms with scleroderma, decimalisation, metric conversion and puberty! No surprise then, I'm quite useless with a computer.   Yes! it was a near catastrophe when my old system gave up the ghost. I'd suspected the worst for a while and short of taking a hammer to the CPU I gave up trying to

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Guess Who's Back

This is a somewhat or a short message and not a blog at all. It would be more appropriate for me to post this on the messageboard but I'm doing this for a purpose.   My computer finally died just before the holidays and with it all my files and information. I'd promised myself a laptop for quite some while so I could sit beside the open fire and tap away to my heart's content. Of course being the holiday season, money was needed elsewhere, i.e. my daughter's expensive present and a list much l

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Supermom?

Here it is, the eve of my 9th day as single working mom and I am up at 11pm baking cupcakes to take to my eldest's class for his birthday tomorrow and organizing arts and crafts supplies to help my youngest make the ornament for his class's tree in the morning. I PROMISED that we'd do it in the morning. My oldest says to my youngest, "Wow, mom never promises anything!"   It's true. I never make promises because I don't want to have to break them and more often than not I would have had to brea

barefut

barefut

First Day On The Job

Today was my first day back to work in the public world for the first time in 10 years, this time as a bank teller. I was nervous. Thank goodness for my boss, the branch manager, who is a very sweet, patient and down-to-earth woman, about my age (42). The other gals range in age from 19 - 23. I sense that my boss is grateful to have another 'mature' woman around - HA! - if she only knew...I feel about as mature as I did when I was 16.   It's going to feel a bit strange having these young gals

barefut

barefut

Awards Evening

Friday was the first anniversary of our local radio station of which I am a part. It was therefore only right to arrange a birthday bash which was held at the sporting club. I was very nervous -- I've only ever spoke over the airwaves but never actually met any of the listeners. The anticipation was one of reluctance and we decided to sit in the darkest corner of the room which actually was the best place of all since the radiator was banging off the wall. I sat with my back pressed up to it an

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