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barefut

On the Blog Again

Barb you make me feel like a slacker. If our blogs were books, yours would be thick as the dictionary and mine as thin as a comic book. Since I started blogging, yours out number mine 5 or 6 to 1. I can't even keep up reading your blogs. With all that you do, how do you keep up with writing them?!

 

Mom's endless energy and motivation is also making me feel like a slacker. I SO want to go out and help her in the yard. I want to plant my vegetable garden and the pumpkin patch (yea, I haven't done it YET!) but when it comes to doing the enjoyable stuff I have already used up all of my spoons on the necessary stuff - like bathing.

 

The miserable weather and insane gas prices are the topic of discussion wherever you go in town and with every customer at the bank. "Did you have a good 3 day weekend?" I asked one of my regulars. "Stayed home. Can't afford to go anywhere", was the reply. "Enjoy the sun," I said as he walked out the door into a downpour.

 

"Good morning," I say as one of my old favorites comes through the door. "It's always a good morning when my feet hit the floor," he says. These old timers always make me smile. One gentleman calls me precious and one calls me kiddo. The one who calls me precious asked me out to lunch. They always make my day.

 

I had to leave work early three days last week. Once for a doctor appointment and twice because my attempts to hack up a lung left me dizzy and lightheaded - not to mention that every time I coughed I wet my pants a little. <_< (That said, I'm still all for natural childbirth, ladies)

 

When I left work Thursday afternoon it was raining and cold as usual. My head was heavy and I could barely keep my eyes open. All I could think about was putting on my jammies and curling up in bed with my favorite blankie and pillow and drifting off into hours and hours of blissful deep sleep. And I did! It was better than chocolate.

 

By the way, I have to brag -- er -- mention that I actually got in and out of my doctor's office, in and out of the lab and in and out of radiology all in under an hour on Monday! 4:20pm Monday appointments rock! I guess you have to have your doctor's office in the same parking lot as the hospital and live in a small town though.

 

Doc said I was wheezing and he could hear some crackling in my lungs but the x-rays showed nothing. Was put on antibiotics because white cell count was up, just in case. Feeling much better today (Saturday) and actually made it through all of Friday at work. Still trying to hack up the other lung though.

 

I am enjoying the most delectable, crunchy, chewey, double chocolate, thin, brownie cookie I have ever had the pleasure of chewing and now I am going to guzzle a gallon of milk and then have some popcorn with my butter and salt. (Yea, okay it's that time of the month - sorry if that's too much information for you men. :blink: ) :lol:

barefut

Blogger's Block

Bla Bla Bla..........

 

That's about the best I can do right now - unless you want to hear about my adventures in hair removal - but I threw away my notes so you're out of luck.

Incidentally, most of my cosmetic trials and tribulations have to do with hair. Lack of it here... too much of it there....

 

Unfortunately, I inherited my grandfather's eyebrows. I remember my grandmother trimming his brows when she cut his hair. She would comb them out from his face and snip off about an inch and a half.

 

It's bad enough to be a woman and have brows thick, dark and bushy but do they have to also grow together? Forget tweezing - I need to use a hedge trimmer! People try to make me feel better by saying, "Oh, no you have great eyebrows - that's the style" I didn't know wearing a wild animal on your face was in style.

 

I've never been one to start the trendy fads, nor have I been one to follow them. Where am I going with this? I don't know!

 

I titled this blog before I even started writing it. The well has been dry for weeks it seems. I had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down but I wanted to squeeze something out - anything - in the desperate hope that it might actually trigger an interesting thought and turn into something worth reading.

 

Writer's block is aptly named, though sometimes I think it feels more like a clog than a block. But "writer's clog" doesn't sound near as sophisticated.

 

Sometimes I feel as though I am ready to burst with artistic creativity. But I can't paint. Or draw. Or do anything else artistic. So there I sit, creatively constipated with no outlet.

 

Punctuation seems to be a problem for me at times too as you may well have noticed. I tend to write like I talk and there is no punctuation for that. Using lots of ........dots .........and - dashes - for........dramatic pauses or........to lead you......somewhere....... Seems to be my forte.

 

What I remember from high school English class about writing:

 

1. Never start a sentence with "And" or "But"

2. Never end a sentence with a preposition - or was it a proposition?

3. Run-on sentences are bad

4. Two words do not make a sentence (Wanna bet?)

5. Slang is generally frowned upon (Wanna bet?)

 

Rules are made to be broken and when it comes to writing, I've probably broken them all.

 

G'night

barefut

I was wrong

3am. Aparently I am not responsible or in charge of how much sleep I get. Doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed, or which bed or couch or recliner or floor I sleep on. I said before, no use getting frustrated about it. Might as well use the precious time to my advantage and get some things done - except that mom has already done it all - bless her heart.

 

I had high hopes for the memory foam matress I purchased. I fantasized about sleeping blissfully through the night and waking up feeling alive, energized and refreshed.

 

Yea, not so much. Between scleroderma, allergy season, my sons' bad dreams, our new, crazy cat and this nagging cold, I'm up for hours in the night and after finally falling back to sleep at around 5:30 am I am awakened by the boys at 7am, with a bunchy, swollen face, a jaw that won't open, hands that won't close, arms I can't raise above my head and feet I can't walk on.

 

Okay yea, I'm whining - WAH! :P Nothing else to do at 3:17 am :(

barefut

Balance

Over, short, over, short, over, short.........I think I can make a case for disability since I haven't been able to balance for more than 3 days in a row at work. It is so frustrating! Like bowling - if I can get a strike once, then why shouldn't I be able to get a strike every time?

 

Consistency. That's my problem. I don't have any. About the only thing I am consistent at, is being inconsistent.

 

If I was consistent I would be thin and firm and fit. I would have perfectly behaved children, my house and yard and vehicle would be immaculate and my grandma would be as pleased punch to have at least one letter a month from me like I vowed that I would write to her when I was 10.

 

But it's really more than that. Why am I inconsistent? Answer: Too many variables. What are the variables?

 

Well, let me list some just off the top of my head:

 

1. Amount of sleep

2. Weather

3. Amount of nourishment

4. Medications

5. Degree of hydration

6. People messing with me

7. Amount of energy

8. Degree of overall pain

9. Type of hair day

10. Time left until perimenopause

11. People messing with me

12. Grams of chocolate ingested

 

How pathetic. Listing variables as to why I am inconsistent (and therefore coming off as a flake) sounds like a blame game. I really only have myself to blame except when it comes to the weather - or people messing with me. I don't like people messing with me.

 

I guess perimenopause isn't my fault either. Or my bad haircut since I didn't do it (this time). BUT the amount of sleep I get is my responsibility and something I can control; so I suppose I'd better hit the proverbial hay and try to make tomorrow a better day.

 

It's all about BALANCE!

barefut

STRENGTH of body mind and spirit

 

COURAGE of convictions

 

FAITH that everything will be all right

 

CONSISTENCY of actions

 

MOTIVATION of body mind and spirit

 

AMBITION to work towards goals

 

GOALS to achieve fulfillment

 

FULFILLMENT to achieve happiness

 

HAPPINESS to achieve peace

 

PEACE for body mind and spirit

barefut

One more rare sunny day and actually warm too! I promised to keep y'all updated on my progress in the yard and gardens so here is what I did yesterday...

 

First I did some catching up on the dog messes in the backyard (Eeew) :P . Then I mowed and edgetrimmed front, back and side yards as well as beyond the back fence, around the campfire pit. I can't tell you how much better that alone made things look around here. It had been 2 weeks since I've been able to mow and it was getting pretty tall.

 

Then mom and I partially disassembled the swingset and moved it out of the play ground area, which is full of wood chips, and out into the yard. Putting it back together was a bit of a feat but we did it. It is much less wobbily being on solid ground rather than the wood chips.

 

Since my preschool is no more, I think I can put the playground area to better use as a dog kennel - a huge, super deluxe dog kennel! Next step is to move the sandbox out of the playground and then fence it in. Then the boys can reclaim the back yard as a play area and I can work on filling in the bare patches in the 'lawn'. With dog in kennel I can actually have my raised vegetable garden back again without him digging it up! AND I can have my precious, beloved hammock out without him chewing it up! I love my dog but I love my yard, gardens and hammock too.

 

Progress is not without its price however....although I did really well pacing myself and having patience at my slow pace, I stepped in a hole coming down a small hill with an armload of stuff and wrenched my hip. It went pop, there was a shooting pain and now it aches like all get out.

 

So since I can't sleep, I thought it a good time to bore you all with my yard work progress. Maybe if you can't sleep either, you will after reading this! :lol:

barefut

Fun in the SUN!

AHHH yes, wonderful , beautiful, warm, bright, sunny, sun!!!

 

Perfect weather for the T-ball Jamboree this morning which was very amusing to say the least. My face still hurts from laughing. Here are these 5 and 6 year olds in helmets that their little heads can barely hold up, swinging a bat nearly as long as they are tall, at a ball resting on a rubber tube, and then running the bases as fast as their little legs can carry them, with their little heads bobbling in those giant helmets. Now I know where the baseball bobble heads were inspired from. And me, without my video camera!

 

At one point, the runner on first chased down the ball himself and proceeded to try and tag his team mate out. The catcher, in all his gear, was totally oblivious to where the ball went every time it was thrown to him and he spun around and around looking for it. Any ball that rolled past the pitching mound was chased by 1/2 the team and the kids fell all over each other and themselves scrambling for it. I am quite surprised that there wasn't any bloodshed. Looking forward to the the next game with a smile on my face and video camera in hand.

 

Also perfect weather for that yard sale I've been preparing for. So hard to get rid of the preschool toys. I've had to prepare emotionally as well. Mom has been helping gather and organize stuff for the sale. Nope, I'm keeping the battered, little, multi-colored, rubber boots that were big one's and little one's. Keeping the little red sandals too. And the toy mailbox and the plastic alphabet blocks and the majority of the stuffed animals......Ok, just where am I going to store all that stuff then? Maybe I should store it in my mind and just put it all on the sale in the morning.....nah can't do it.

 

Sis and her hubby are coming over tomorrow too. Can't wait to see them. It's been too long. She's going to take some unruly plants from my front flower beds and plant them on their (soon to be) farm near town. Then I can start working towards that English Cottage garden I've been longing for out front.

 

In the early afternoon I'll wrap up the yard sale and pack up grandma, the boys and the dog and head out to the property to help sis plant. The boys will ride the 1940 tractor with their Uncle, the dog will run himself wild and jump in the pond and we'll all picnic by the water and eat cake and sing happy birthday to grandma.

barefut

SNOW!!!

 

April 20th and snowing in Western Washington. So much for planting the veggie garden or anything else for that matter. Seems like I was looking forward to this spring more than any other, wanting to get a jump on things around the yard, and it snows at sea level a full month into spring.

 

I have felt like a puddle all weekend, wanting to do nothing but sleep. But sleeping only makes me sleepier. Can't seem to shake the fog out of my head.

 

Mom has been here 2 full weeks and my house has never been cleaner. Or more organized. I can't find anything. :blink:

 

I keep noticing more and more things she's done, like dust under the computer printer and the top of the refrigerator. She also nailed back up the pickets that were knocked off the fence in the last windstorm (or was it by soccer balls?) And the household trash cans seem to empty themselves.

 

Trying to enjoy it without guilt. During the week mom cooks dinner and then won't let me help clean up. She says, "Sit. You've been on your feet all day." I say, "Ok!"

 

Don't want to take too much advantage though - I could get too used to being pampered and become spoiled and lazy.

 

Sleepy, foggy headed, no energy, short attention span and a bit bored today. Just want this day to be over.

barefut

Dueling Poetry?

Well there's no way I can top that Barb! Not that there's a competition or anything - just reminded me of "Dueling Banjos" for a minute there.

 

I have to say I have never had anyone write about me, let alone write a poem about me! I feel imortalized. I kind of don't want to blog anything new for awhile because the blog page looks so cute with our title poems about each other posted one over the other.

 

I am glad I was able to brighten your day. You certainly surprised and brightened mine! :D And by the way, you are no "ordinary" lady. You are EXTRAORDINARY!

 

Keep on writing....

 

Love you!

Barefut

barefut

Lady of the farm

There is a sweet little lady who lives on a farm.

She has so many animals, some causing alarm.

 

Some people say, just how does she do it?

Some people say, I could never get through it!

 

But this little lady is a nurturing momma.

If her husband would let her, she'd add some llamas.

 

Yes this little lady, though with scleroderma,

Seizes the day on terra firma.

 

Even when she's feeling less than spry,

She'll make her family a berry pie.

 

She cooks and she cleans and she tears down walls.

She builds fences while freezing in her overalls.

 

She keeps the fire burning in the old wood stove.

She even has her own radio show!

 

This little lady stands barely 5 feet,

But as for stature she has most people beat.

 

Yes, this little lady is not to be messed with.

You give her a "look" and an ear full you're 'blessed' with.

 

You may not think this story is true.

But it is, just as sure as the sky is blue.

 

This tough little lady is so funny and sweet.

She is someone that everyone wants to meet.

barefut

After Work

Just off work and finding myself again, sitting in Betsy Big Rig in the grocery store parking lot, not wanting to go in. My whole body is buzzing from the activity of the day - or is it from my head cold?

 

There is a girl getting into her car who could be Epasen's twin.

 

If I recline my seat I'll be asleep in under 30 seconds for sure and then I'd miss my oldest's baseball game here in town. Mom took Little One to T-ball practice in the opposite direction and Coach is giving Big One a ride to the game since I am already in town. What would I ever do without the help of friends and family? They are adding years to my life for sure.

 

Need to go on another grocery shopping mission. Fruit, fruit, and fruit! Mom spoils the kids with sweets. I need to fill the house with FRUIT!

 

My toe hurts. Don't want to walk. Don't want to use electric shopping cart either - stubborn pride. Shouldn't have worn these black leather work shoes. Should have worn my garden clogs again - even if they are neon green! The only way I can get away with that is to wear the sweater that matches them. Then it looks like I did it for fashion. Time to buy a black pair for work - SOON!

 

Seeing doctor for the ole' toe on Friday. Hoping it's not the big "G". Nah. Probably just a fungal infection - "Just" Ha! Just a fungal infection with scleroderma and Raynaud's isn't just a "just".

 

Rule of thumb (or should I say rule of toe): If it hurts and it's turning brown, see the doctor!

 

*sigh*

 

Better gear up for the battle in the grocery store, baseball game starts soon. That means I have to put my shoe back on.......... :( ouch.

barefut

In Boys' Hearts

My 5 year old still thinks I'm the greatest and I'm savoring that like melt in your mouth chocolate. He still draws me pictures with "I love you mom" written on them. He still crawls up in my lap and snuggles, gives me hugs that last all day and doesn't mind my smoochy kisses. I know he still thinks I'm the greatest because he tells me so.

 

He also writes me poetry. Here's his latest:

 

Rosis ar red, the skii is blluu but most ov ol I love you!

 

My 10 year old doesn't want to be hugged in front of his friends, won't let me hug him for more than 5 seconds and hates my smoochy kisses. Most of the time he's mad at me for having rules and actually enforcing them now and then. Therein lies my problem - "now and then". I have to admit that I have broken the rules myself - the number one rule of parenthood: Be Consistent!

 

I have a good friend who reminds me when I am feeling less than adequate parentally, that, as parents, we are all just flying by the seat of our pants, making it up as we go along, playing it by ear and hoping for the best, and if anyone tries to tell me differently, they're lying! She's a good friend. And by the way, she has awesome kids.

 

My kids are awesome too. Each in their own separate ways. I do miss my big one being little, crawling up on my lap, snuggling, writing me little love notes. But he's on to big boy things now and it's just not cool to have your mom hugging and kissing you at the bus stop. I'm just going to have to be happy with a shoulder squeeze and know that in his heart he still needs my momma bear hugs and smoochy kisses.

barefut

Going it alone

There's something to be said for going it alone - no compromising. As the only adult in the household, I can make dinner time whenever I want it to be, and I can make whatever I want for dinner. I can plant that tree anywhere I want to in the yard because I don't have to consider anyone else's opinion. I don't have to cater to or consider a partner's mood, schedule, likes or dislikes. I am my own boss. I set the rules and I can break the rules if I want to, without any backlash.

 

There's also something to be said for partnership: Being part of a team, working together towards a common goal; sharing joys and sorrows; knowing that someone is always there for you, willing to back you up, to put themselves out there for you; having someone's shoulder to cry on and being able to be the shoulder for them.

 

In the long run, I'm pretty sure that compromising isn't such a bad compromise for all that the right partnership would have to offer.

barefut

Peace

My oldest left for a sleepover at a friend's house this afternoon. It has been a long time since he has been invited to anyone else's house for an overnighter. I must say it has been rather peaceful in the house without anyone for my little one to fight with. Boys and their noise and their toys....I tell you, sometimes I just need a break!

 

I had to stay home from work on Friday with them. Big one had sore throat and pinkeye and little one a sore throat. Between their pestering and bickering and whining and tattling and the tantrums, I just wanted to be at work. I thought I'd try to make the day at least a little bit productive and get some grocery shopping done. I needed to go out and get something for the sore throats anyway. By the time we got home I felt like my head had been through the blender.

 

Little one got the pinkeye today. The pharmacist was right, I do have enough eye drops left over for him. Big one's eyes looked good today so I let him go. What a blessing for us all. He needed to get out and I needed the break.

 

Big one is invited to another friend's house for another sleepover tomorrow night. I'll let him go. It's Spring Break next week, I have to work and mom is not here yet due to snow in the passes. Thank goodness for good neighbors who have agreed to babysit next week. I have 2 days covered so far. With big one at friend's house on Monday, I'll save a bit on childcare expenses.

 

It should be a peaceful day today with only one kid in the house. Maybe I can get something productive done if I can muster the energy. If the weather wasn't frigid and wet I would like to get out in the yard - maybe someday....Where is Spring? It actually snowed here Friday!!!

 

Going to try for my second round of sleep now. Wish me luck.

barefut

Life's too short

Life's too short not to get in the game

To sit on the sidelines is a cryin' shame

 

But pay attention or pay the price

You don't want to make the same mistakes twice

 

Take it from me because this I know

Life's too short not to go with the flow

 

Listen to signals all around you

Soon you'll wonder how fulfillment found you

 

Life's too short not to take a leap

You never know what joy you'll reap

barefut

Multi-tasking Momma

I found myself putting on my makeup this morning while sitting on the bathroom throne - a first for me. Can't waste a precious minute when you wake up at 7am and have to get yourself and 2 lollygagging boys in and out of the shower on one tank of hot water, and then get dried, dressed, fluffed, fed and out the door in under 50 minutes.

 

Getting breakfast and lunches made in the morning is another multi-tasking feat worthy of some kind of award: Get coffee brewing first, put waffles in the toaster. While the coffee is brewing and the waffles are toasting, warm the butter to spreadable in the microwave while you get out the bread, mayo and ham for making lunches. Run and get a towel for little one in the bathroom who is screaming because he's cold. Run back to microwave and clean up puddle of butter. Pour what was left on butter dish onto very, very, crispy, cold, waffles. Throw waffles in the garbage can and start over.

 

Make sandwiches while second batch of waffles are toasting. Run outside to defrost Betsy Big Rig. Come back in and break up a fight between boys in the bathroom. Help little one find clothes. Finish packing lunches. Help big one find socks. Is my coffee done brewing? Warm another stick of butter. Take cold hard waffles out of toaster and throw them away. Unknot and re tie 4 tennis shoes. Give each kid one of my breakfast drinks and a kiss on the cheek. Race out the door to the bus stop. Wave.

 

Get in Betsy, buckle up and follow the bus out to the highway. At stop sign, curse for forgetting all about my coffee and for also forgetting to take the garbage out for pick up.

 

At least I have my makeup on. :D

barefut

I have always wanted a little pygmy goat or two. They are the most precious little things! And now here's Barbs with not one, not two, but five! I can just imagine....it's not hard to with Barb's vivid descriptions. When she told of putting up the sheet metal fencing at 4:30 in the morning in like what.....40 degrees below zero?! My hands went blue! Oh Barbs, what are you doing to yourself?

 

I must admit though, I sometimes do it too - carry on - "getting on with it" even when I know I shouldn't. Glutton for punishment I guess? :( Or maybe stubborn pride? <_< Sometimes I don't want to be thought of as lazy or not pulling my weight. Sometimes I still like to pretend I can do it all. Denial is fun to visit now and then. But then I always pay the price. One way or another my body will tell me what an idiot I was and warn me not to do it again - or else. :angry:

 

So, dear Barbs, now that you have granted my wish of getting more animals I am looking forward to hearing more stories of life on the farm with those cute little goats but please don't sacrifice your limbs!

 

Stay Wa-a-a-a-r-r-r-r-m-m-m-m

barefut

When chickens fly

You know the weather is bad when chickens fly, because even though they have been equipped with wings and feathers, they were just not built for flying.

 

I SO love reading about Barb's life on the farm. I wish she would get more animals so I could hear more stories. But I guess that's kind of mean since they are so much work and the last thing I would wish upon Barbs is more work.

 

I thought we had it bad weather-wise up here in the "Great Northwest" or as I call it, the Great North Wet. I live in Northwest Washington USA and sometimes it feels like it will never dry out. Some of us have adapted with webbed feet; some of us just have moss between our toes. But it sounds like Barbs has it much worse off in her neck of the woods.

 

March has so far been windy and wet as usual. By April I will give my right arm for a ray of sunshine. The most depressing days though are the ones where the fog never lifts all day.

 

Weather can have a profound effect on our moods not to mention our physical well being as I'm sure most of you have experienced. Makes me wonder too, how much of my physical woes are weather/mood related. I know when the sun does finally shine down on me, I am elated and I feel like I can tackle the world. I usually don't know what to do first and run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to tackle all my yard chores at once.

 

Then there's the sunny days where I just don't want to do anything but sit on the beach, listen to the waves and watch the kids play. I think I'll leave you with that warm thought for now.

barefut

New way of life

I used to get so frustrated waking up at 1:30 am every single night (morning!) and not being able to get back to sleep, but now it has just become a new way of life.

 

Getting frustrated about it isn't going to help me get back to sleep so I might as well use the precious time to my advantage and do some laundry, balance the checkbook, finish my applications for financial assistance for my medical bills, pick up the house, pay some bills and write a blog.

 

The only problem is, I'm still so foggy headed that my clothes are all pink, I'm overdrawn in my checking account, I can't remember where I put any of my assistance forms, I put tinker toys in the refrigerator, I sent the water payment to the power company and I'm boring you all to death with my endless drivel.

 

At work I keep trying to give people more money than they are entitled. Thank goodness for the honest man who returned the extra $100 I gave him 2 weeks ago! (for those of you who don't know me, I'm a bank teller) Yesterday I tried to give the same man an extra $20! My boss asked me what's up with that ..."Is he cute or something? Does he have you flustered?"

 

I think it's the time of day he always comes - right before closing when I'm pretty well brain fried. Maybe banking isn't such a good idea for me? :blink:

 

Well, better go check on my laundry and look for those application forms.....

 

I'd say good night but it's 2:35 in the MORNING! So, good DAY! :( :P

barefut

I want my mommy

Ever had one of those I want my mommy days? Remember when you were a little kid and everything was unfair and no matter what you did it seemed things only got worse as the day went on until finally there was a straw that broke the camel's back and you just couldn't take it anymore and you cried out loud, "I want my mommy!" because a mommy's job is to make everything all better.

 

At 42, crying I want my mommy seems kind of pathetic but nevertheless, I want my mommy! I look around at my neglected house and yard and feel so overwhelmed. Just letting one day go by without keeping up on picking up, and doing the dishes is enough to send me into a depression. It's like not being able to pay a bill one month; next month it's going to be double - with interest and late charges! :(

 

Where am I supposed to find the energy to do it all? I am constantly prioritzing every move I make so as not to be wasting spoons on things that can wait. You should see how thick the dust and cobwebs are on the shelves above my living room windows. Dust and cobwebs are not a priority. I tell people it's an experiment.

 

Even for those of us who grew up without mommies, or mommies who were less than mothering, I'll bet you can think of someone in your life, a grandmother, aunt, sister or friend who has been there for you on your I want my mommy days even if it was only to listen to you while you unloaded.

 

I want my mommy to come help me with my house, yard and kids. Oh to come home from work and smell dinner waiting for me....to have this place dusted, to have my garden weeded, to have my little projects completed....all the things my mom likes to do for me and does so well.

 

Mom is not here yet but she still plans to come and I am finding that I am needing her help more everyday. Admitting that I need help is still hard for me but I guess I just need to get over it. Most healthy single, working moms can't do it all alone so I suppose I need to give myself a break.

barefut

Saturday - I had big plans for the day but I used up all my spoons taking a shower and getting dressed. My boys are using up my knives and forks as I type, fighting with each other and the dog whines at the back door, starved for attention.

 

I don't suppose I 'll get anything done on my list today and they are things that have to be done - or else...Oh well, I guess I can take solace in the fact that I showered and dressed today. Now I can pour myself on the couch, in my messy house and amongst my piles of things to do and at least look presentable and smell good while I feel bad about everything not getting done and wishing I could sleep the day away.

 

I'm going to leave you now since I don't even have the energy to type anymore. But I'm going to give you an assignment: Find out what The Spoon Theory is if you don't already know.

barefut

Spring Fever

Spring is in the air and I feel myself getting antsy to make some progress in the yard and flower beds, however; my body groans at the mere mention of it. If I get around to Fall cleanup, it's usually sometime in mid Spring when my hands are less likely to fall off from the cold - yea, it's not called fall just because the leaves are falling off the trees.

 

I am ashamed and embarrassed of my landscape. I still have hanging baskets up out front with dead twigs in them from last Spring. The dog has pretty much destroyed what was left of the grass in the back yard that the boys hadn't already destroyed. And my flower beds are actually weed beds.

 

*sigh* :(

 

I always start out with such high hopes in the Spring - of how things could look around here. I dream of an English cottage garden out front anchored by my white picket fence that my dad and I (mostly dad) put up last summer. I love seeing the before and after of a hard days work and taking pride in my accomplishments, then being able to sit back and enjoy the visual beauty of what my own two hands created.

 

*POP!* (that was my bubble bursting) :P

 

Back to reality. The only thing my two hands have created lately is deep, painful splits in my fingertips and a lovely, patriotic, display of red, white and blue.

 

I hate to say that I can't do this or I can't do that anymore. Maybe I shouldn't resume skiing or river rafting again but I don't want to say that I can't. Same with gardening - though it's a far cry from skiing or rafting - it's also one of those things I love to do and don't want to say I can't anymore. I can and do work in the garden but just not with the results I used to see or would like to see.

 

And therefore I grieve a little for a way of life lost. Spring is supposed to be a time of renewed life but every Spring I am reminded again of things I can't do the way I used to do and the way I want to do. While Mother Nature is in her cycle of regeneration, I am reminded of my own degeneration.

 

Wow......what depressing thoughts for Spring! I vow to you all that this year is going to be different. I am going to make my project list and make early progress this year. And I'm not going to forget to plant the pumpkin patch again and I am going to get the dog kennel built and get the grass out back growing again if it's the ONLY thing I DO get done this season. And I will keep you posted on my progress even if it's at a snail's pace - dare I mention snails?!

 

Wishing you all some Spring time inspiration even if it's fall on your side on the world!

barefut

I have a shameful secret. Sometimes I want certain others to experience my pain.

The old "Walk a mile in my shoes" fantasy rears its ugly head. Not for sympathy. Though sympathy is a good thing, in moderation, it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable - like I'm being a whiner.

 

When I'm short on patience with my kids, 9 times out of 10 it's because I'm in pain. Then I find myself wishing they could know how I feel so they would just please cooperate. When I start making mistakes at work, 9 times out of 10 it's because I'm distracted by pain, fatigue and/or just plain brain fog. The only perk scleroderma has besides the free face lift is getting to blame these things on it. So, I will. If I have to put up with scleroderma then I at least deserve the perk of getting to use it as an excuse for my lameness now and then.

 

What I'm in the market for is understanding. Not just for me, for everybody. Too many people are too quick to judge others based solely on first impressions, or the way one dresses or one's mood on a given day or even a single comment one makes. There's always a reason for everything. And nobody knows everything. So what gives anyone the right to judge someone else based on so very little knowledge of anything?

 

I am reminded of when I was talking with an acquaintance from high school many years after graduation. She said she thought I was stuck up in high school because I never talked to anybody. Truth is, I was shy and easily intimidated. About the farthest thing from "stuck up" as one can get!

 

First impressions are usually, in fact I'll say, almost always wrong. Nobody knows what someone is really like until they spend time getting to know them. Just like nobody knows what scleroderma or any other illness is like until they've spent time getting to know it.

 

I think it would come in handy (for us) if our doctors and caregivers could experience our pain so that they could know how to better treat us. After all, they have all the knowledge of doctoring and caregiving, the only thing they don't have that would make them true experts is the knowledge of our pain. Without that, isn't it really just a guessing game for them? They have to rely on on our testimony, which must be accurate, so that they can order the right tests and prescribe the right meds. Wouldn't it be great, like in a sci-fi show I saw once, if our doctors could simply lay their hands on us and know all that we are feeling - physically and emotionally - in an instant? Okay, I'm getting out there now...

 

Back to my soap box speech on understanding. In a nut shell, people need to give people a break and think twice before judging and labeling and jumping to conclusions. The grumpy person on the other side of the counter may be in constant physical pain. The quiet person may actually be shy, or sad. The angry person may have lost a loved one. Nobody knows anything about anyone until they've spent some time getting to know them and/or walked a mile in their shoes.

barefut

Tired

Running the gamut of emotions is tiring.

Everything hurts and yet how can I complain?

 

Today I chose despair instead of hope,

Then shame and more despair.

 

Everything hurts.

I am so tired of hurting.

 

I am angry.

It's not fair.

 

I dare not ask, "Why me?"

Why not me?

 

I miss my old body,

The one I took for granted,

And now it's gone.

 

And this mess that I am left with

Demands compromises

Every minute of every day.

 

I am tired of compromising.

 

I am tired of hurting.

 

I am tired.

barefut

Lunch Break

I have got to start adding a snack between my 8:30 yogurt and my 12:30 lunch. I am ready to faint with hunger.

 

One sip of my cup of noodle soup and I realize that I have GOT to have a sandwich. Not enough time left to go out, so I improvise with what I can find in the employee kitchen. The best I can do is someone's leftover cream cheese and a package of corn chips from the Honor Service Box. Crunchy, chewy; not bad. It'll have to do.

 

Half hour left of lunch break. Take a walk or take a nap? Let's see.....sunny, beautiful day......32 degrees.

 

Take a nap.

 

I laid down on the couch in the conference room with a partially deflated, promotional, mini beach ball for a pillow. It was quiet and I could hear the sound of the waves crashing on the shore just outside the windows. I realized that I hadn't heard that sound in a long time. It was like coming home. I closed my eyes and drifted off into my endless thoughts of things to do until my cell phone alarm woke me with 5 minutes to spare.

 

A larger than life picture of Ben Franklin staring at me with judgemental eyes and pursed lips told me it was time to go back to work.

 

I have a headache. Note to self - Don't use beach ball for pillow anymore.