Saturday - I had big plans for the day but I used up all my spoons taking a shower and getting dressed. My boys are using up my knives and forks as I type, fighting with each other and the dog whines at the back door, starved for attention.
I don't suppose I 'll get anything done on my list today and they are things that have to be done - or else...Oh well, I guess I can take solace in the fact that I showered and dressed today. Now I can pour myself on the couch, in my messy house and amon
Spring is in the air and I feel myself getting antsy to make some progress in the yard and flower beds, however; my body groans at the mere mention of it. If I get around to Fall cleanup, it's usually sometime in mid Spring when my hands are less likely to fall off from the cold - yea, it's not called fall just because the leaves are falling off the trees.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of my landscape. I still have hanging baskets up out front with dead twigs in them from last Spring. The dog
I have a shameful secret. Sometimes I want certain others to experience my pain.
The old "Walk a mile in my shoes" fantasy rears its ugly head. Not for sympathy. Though sympathy is a good thing, in moderation, it sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable - like I'm being a whiner.
When I'm short on patience with my kids, 9 times out of 10 it's because I'm in pain. Then I find myself wishing they could know how I feel so they would just please cooperate. When I start making mistakes at work, 9 t
Running the gamut of emotions is tiring.
Everything hurts and yet how can I complain?
Today I chose despair instead of hope,
Then shame and more despair.
I am so tired of hurting.
I am angry.
It's not fair.
I dare not ask, "Why me?"
Why not me?
I miss my old body,
The one I took for granted,
And now it's gone.
And this mess that I am left with
Every minute of every day.
I am tired of compromising.
I am tired of hur
I have got to start adding a snack between my 8:30 yogurt and my 12:30 lunch. I am ready to faint with hunger.
One sip of my cup of noodle soup and I realize that I have GOT to have a sandwich. Not enough time left to go out, so I improvise with what I can find in the employee kitchen. The best I can do is someone's leftover cream cheese and a package of corn chips from the Honor Service Box. Crunchy, chewy; not bad. It'll have to do.
Half hour left of lunch break. Take a walk or take a
Actually, if I was a healthy person, I'd make the space available for free. I loved being pregnant - growing a little life inside of me - it is such a privilege. I wish all women could experience the elation of pregnancy.
When I hear of women having like their 10th kid, my first thought is, "Is she nuts?!" Two boys was definately enough for me. Then I get a little jealous of all that pregnancy time. I hear some of you saying, "Is she nuts?!" I know, pregnancy isn't so great for everyone; in
Mom is moving in with us in February through the summer. She will be a big help with the kids and the house. We are setting her up in our over-sized laundry room which was my preschool craft room.
I just went in and took down the last remnants of anything "preschool". I cried like a baby - still am crying. I miss it so much. I didn't know how much. It's hard to look at anything we did last year. The "All About Me" assignments with the kids' photos, the holiday crafts, the books we read all s
My dog stinks. I hate that. He stinks up my house. I can't make him go outside on account of his eyes - his big brown "Mommy don't make me go outside" eyes with those eyebrows that go up and make him look even more pathetic. So, my house stinks. I hate that.
Give him a bath? Yea, right. Me and what army? I just have to $ave up for the groomer.
OH! Pet peeves don't have to be about your pet? Well then - where do I start?
Here it is, the eve of my 9th day as single working mom and I am up at 11pm baking cupcakes to take to my eldest's class for his birthday tomorrow and organizing arts and crafts supplies to help my youngest make the ornament for his class's tree in the morning. I PROMISED that we'd do it in the morning. My oldest says to my youngest, "Wow, mom never promises anything!"
It's true. I never make promises because I don't want to have to break them and more often than not I would have had to brea
Today was my first day back to work in the public world for the first time in 10 years, this time as a bank teller. I was nervous. Thank goodness for my boss, the branch manager, who is a very sweet, patient and down-to-earth woman, about my age (42). The other gals range in age from 19 - 23. I sense that my boss is grateful to have another 'mature' woman around - HA! - if she only knew...I feel about as mature as I did when I was 16.
It's going to feel a bit strange having these young gals
In looking in the mirror today a couple of things came to mind. One, it's going to be a bad hair day again so just forget about it. Two, I want my lips back.
I had small lips to begin with and when my face started tightening, my upper lip disappeared rather quickly and quietly. It doesn't help to smile because that only makes it fold under as if I have tucked it up into my gum and am trying to show off my teeth. I look like a donkey.
Then I started wondering what men with scleroderma t
I sat in my suburban in the grocery store parking lot, once again not sure if my bowels were going to let me go in and not sure if I wanted to anyway with it blowing rain horizontally. My fingers were already white and on their way to blue, even in my fleece gloves. I turned on the motor and warmed them up with the heater. I wondered how much extra gas I had gone through doing this all the time.
How much did I need the things on my list right now anyway? Could I just come back tomorrow? I wa
Okay, yes. I do have some. But the headlight above my forehead that I call my scalp is starting to look like it has its high beam on. In the grand scheme of things I pretend not to care. I mean, it's only hair. But when all other body parts are behaving and not giving me grief, I tend to turn my attention to one of the more frivolous aspects of my appearance, my hair. It's bad enough to be going gray and having to deal with these wiry critters with a mind of their own, but to be going bald too i
It's ironic how I never considered myself lucky until after I was diagnosed with scleroderma. Yep, there's nothing like a devastating, chronic illness to help you put things into perspective.
I remember coming home from an appointment with my counselor not long after I was diagnosed. I was still in the "shock/freaked out" stage and was fully expecting to not make it another 5 years. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home just as it started to pour down rain. People were jockeying for
For six years I had a "probable lupus" diagnosis. I never could get used to the word lupus. I just don't like the way it sounds: Looo Pus. Lew pus. So I just never used it. Then, good news! I found out I didn't have lupus! Bad news. I had diffuse systemic scleroderma. Slcero-what? Sounds yukky and contagious. Ten times worse sounding than lupus. And the diffuse, systemic part didn't sound so great either. You know, the more words they add to your disease, the worse it is.
My diagnosis came o