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Those Dark Days

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I'm determined to dig myself out of this pity pot of a hole I've dug for myself recently. I suppose we all get down in the dumps at times and I'm no exception- --Yeah! some folk may look at me and think, "There's nothing wrong with her" and in my little world there isn't. So how come some days feel so depressing?

I have much to look back on over the last 3 years and although I don't like to dwell on the past the emotion takes over at times.

I was writing on the message board, in fact it was within one of my posts when this overwhelming sense of fear came over me. I was of course reminiscing about my really bad days. I've come such a long way, that road was long and very,very bumpy. I touched on starvation, incredible pain, and fear. Knowing what it's really like to starve was an experience no one should ever have to endure.

I lay for the best part of 2 years in a hospital bed permanently strapped to machines. The whole experience was like a merry go round but I was pad locked and chained within it. Trying to force food down my throat and then the incredible pain which followed was just something I will never forget in a hurry but this is the first time I've ever wrote about it in depth. Sure, I have a sense of humor and thank goodness for that because without it who knows?

I had a whole 3 weeks of nothing going in and I mean nothing. They tried mercilessly to locate my veins each one collapsing on their every attempt. No drip for fluids and no nutrition because I had a faulty split tube within my stomach. I was effectively suffering dehydration and starving to death whilst the staff at the hospital pondered over the next move. I was given a sub cutaneous drip which was placed under my skin but it got infected and I lay shivering for 3 days thinking this would never end, so I starved a little more. My husband and daughter came every night. A 60 mile round trip and my daughter doing homework in the back of the car. They were faced with a very unhappy me on each occasion and when it came to lifting me out of bed and putting me in a wheelchair, I drew the line right there! I was so poorly that I never spoke and I mean that's no mean feat for someone like me.

I got more sick over the following months and the staff were beginning to think I wouldn't make it. I lay partially unconscious for 5 days unaware of anything and when I did wake, the vomiting was relentless. I was in my own personal nightmare.

Gradually they managed to bring me to a point where they could attempt more treatment and I had the tube replaced without any form of sedation--I was just so determined to get well. The following months I began to become aware of just how close to the inevitable I'd been. I came home much to the delight of the family, more so for me but within 2 weeks I was rushed back in with excruciating pain -- my gall bladder and pancreas were having their turn.

I had my gall bladder removed in July 2005 along with further surgery to undo a previous procedure. It all resulted in a scar 12 inches across my stomach and the merry go round began again. The road to recovery was long, frustrating and I had my feeding tube replaced twice within a space of months. I dropped 128lbs so quickly I was simply wasting away. I'm now 112lbs, a babe and hitting back at life.

Yep! There's nothing wrong with me! I think I did a great job just being me. I want to throw away the key to that very dark place, it's not somewhere I want to go again. I thank my lucky stars that I can tell my story knowing that I came through to the person I am today and if I can do it anyone can!

My blog today is very depressing but there you are -- I've said it! My ghosts are well and truly buried and that episode is long gone. I'm Barbara, I'm back and if you want to know me, I'm not sick, I'm a normal person with a special need and I'm just the same as I always was except I'm more wise!

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