I've had many occasions on which to say, "That was the worst day of my life." I thought I'd been through them all, but none of them tops this one! My mum died yesterday and although expected and long overdue it still hurts with a degree I can't come to terms with. To say it was long overdue is not a callous remark -- she suffered greatly towards the end!
She suffered with Alzheimers but it was slow in progression. The last six weeks however she became less aware and then the realisation set in. For a mother not to recognise her own daughter, husband or family is more than one can bear. She refused food, liquid and medication; thus was her decline. She suffered blood clots, chest infections and finally two heart attacks, the last one I believe was fatal.
In my heart I hope she finds a better place beyond, at least to have the dignity she didn't have towards the end. The realisation for me is that it's happened -- you never think it will happen! You never think that your parents are going to die, that always happens to someone else. I guess it was my turn yesterday.
A friend once said to me. "Your 40s and 50s are horrible because you're always losing someone." How true is that!
Today I will kiss her goodbye -- maybe today will be 'The worst day of my life' too.