I did a very silly thing today. I swore at myself for being so stupid and I punished myself with pain so great that it was almost unbearable -- what am I talking about?
I dared to venture outdoors without gloves or proper footwear. I fed the chickens, brought in fuel for the fire and then sat with my hands sandwiched between my knees to ease the pain. They were so painful, like the pain I remember from my childhood after playing in the snow for too long. I shivered like a leaf and stomped my feet. Why did I do this to myself? I should have known better!
The fire was slow to burst into life and the room was cold and uninviting. Outside it was raining and cold. I had all of my lights on throughout the house -- it was 9am.
I mumbled to myself -- stupid! I gave the chickens food in a rainstorm and picked fuel with my bare hands -- Stupid! There I was paying the price for something I ought to have known better about.
I hate winter, I really do! No one really knows how much I hate the cold except me. Some people say "I'm really painfully cold" But they're not, not really. To be painfully cold you need Raynaud's, now that's what I call cold. Does anyone really understand? My philosophy is not unless you have it yourself! My family doesn't understand or perhaps they do but don't realise how much it hurts to reach inside a freezer, walk down a supermarket Isle full of cold meat, or to have the heater full blast in the car when they complain of being too hot and me rubbing my fingers and holding them in front of the vents.
I enter a world of my own, unable to focus, make sensible conversation or rational decisions -- my fingers and toes hurt and that is that! I'm in a state of suspended animation -- frozen.
Having Raynaud's is brilliant -- don't you think?