If I have to be honest with myself (and I usually am) I have to accept that I was never going to be anything but myself, no airs or graces, just me!
It's true that I was a dweeb at school in the 70's. All the other girls talked boyfriends, clothes and records -- remember them? I once said that on air during one of my radio spots "And the next record is....."The presenter screamed "WHAT?" remarking that it was a tune not a record and boy did I feel old.
Anyway I'm digressing but the point I'm making is I never talked about boyfriends because I simply didn't have one and as for clothes, well my idea of clothing was rubber boots, pants and jumper. High heels, farm yards and muck don't mix -- see living on a farm isn't all collecting eggs in a basket and watching lambs skip around in the field, "Hunky dory" as they say
I hate having my photograph taken. I have mental picture of myself totally unrecognisable from the ones on paper and film. My goodness, we don't have photographs either any more. My entire life is on a computer with a life size pixel of me at the touch of a button. Our holiday snaps on virtual albums, never to be printed off but looked at whenever the need arises. So much technology -- and I'm still a dweeb!
It's all made me think. I was contacted via the internet by a friend I once knew at school. We've been writing to each other ever since. Fact is we had little contact at school, I knew her, she knew me and that's about as far as it went. When she contacted me if felt strange, it was strange because all she ever knew about me was the short time we had in high school and if that's all she remembers of me then it was pretty glum picture indeed. I was so quiet, hardly ever there (Maybe sclero played it's part there too) and I was so unfashionable, the one whose friends hung around in a little group, a drop out gang as such and never talked about discos or wedge heels! So when she contacted me it was hard to make an impression that I'd changed or was someone other than the person I was.
It was only when I began writing that I realised how much I had changed. It's not right to assume that something had woke me up, but the fact is I just grew up! I claimed my place in society, became like all the rest and joined the rat race. She was more than surprised to learn about all the things I'd done with my life since leaving school. I never thought my life was so interesting but compared to others I have to say it was never dull. I felt a sense of satisfaction that she was impressed by my achievements but of course I never mentioned the darker side of my life. Why would I want to spoil my moment of glory?
I've waited more than 30 years to become part of the BCR gang (Boyfriends, clothes and records) Of course boyfriends are out of the question, clothes are okay if they fit, records have become tunes on the radio and my daughter's palm held Hi Fi. I guess I'm in the OFG (Over forties gang)! I still have most of my teeth (not all!), I dye my hair, keep it trimmed, have still got a figure as such -- no bust! Not many wrinkles, courtesy of sclero! and I can still keep up with the music even if it's not on vinyl. I give out a huge YES! and I punch the air -- why? because my friend wears sensible clothes now and speaks to me on the same level and I feel like a member of the same school yard group that called me a dweeb!
This old trout has become hip in her old age. It's taken quite a long time but revenge is sweet!