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Blog Entries posted by barefut

  1. barefut
    It was a Friday and I had a meeting before bank hours at another branch in town. When I went to leave, 'ole Betsy wouldn't start. I hitched a ride with a co-worker as she was leaving. My co-worker let me borrow her car on my lunch break to see if I could get Betsy started. I couldn't. Still, I wasn't panicking. I was sure that my mechanic would be able to just wiggle something and away she would go. After all I had just spent $2500 on her in the last year, almost everything was new, what else could be wrong?
    I dropped off the keys with him and said call me. When I didn't hear from him by late afternoon, I called him. I was not prepared for what I heard on the other end of the phone. Fuel pump. $700. That will teach me to be optimistic. You'd think I'd have learned by now, to always expect the worst and then be pleasantly surprised. Somehow, I had forgotten this; my way of life. Now here I was at work, with 3 1/2 hours to go until closing time, with a quivering lower lip and and tears about to explode. I heard myself say, "I can't do it. I can't do it anymore". I hung up the phone, walked into my co-worker's office, sat down and released the floodgates.
    She was such a sweetheart, gave me a big long hug and let me cry on her shoulder until I regained my composure. It felt like I was crying for more than just a broken down vehicle. I was crying for all that it meant for me to be without a vehicle. I was going to have to ask for help again, which to me means being a burden on someone, and just as I had begun to stand on my own two feet. Did it ever end? How in the world was I going to cope through this one?
  2. barefut
    As I lay in bed last night, I thought about coping. Kind of eerie how when I read Barb's last blog, the word cope kept popping up. Sometimes we seem to be on the same wave length. Then again, coping is a common thread amongst us sclerodermians so maybe I shouldn't read too much into it.
    When I was a sophomore in high school I made myself and my best friend a T-shirt for gym class that said on the front, "That's okay" and on the back, "I Cope". I think people liked it. Teachers and peers alike were always commenting on it. I actually still have mine, sort of a souvenir of the time.
    Last night I thought about that T-shirt and what I had to "Cope" with in high school compared to what I have to cope with now. I realize everything is relative. Being a sophomore in high school is no piece of cake, although at the same time, 16 was one of my best years ever. I wouldn't mind living 16 again. Especially if I could do it knowing what I know now.
    The old saying, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" comes to my mind when I think about all I have had to cope with over the past 15 years. I really do believe that. I do think I am stronger because of all I have had to put up with. And you know what? I am kind of proud of myself for surviving it all too.
    Survivors. We are all survivors. Not only of scleroderma but of life. I survived my mistakes and actually learned from them. I have had to learn to give myself a break for making mistakes too.
    Life is a continual learning experience. I have to look at it that way. Especially after having to cope with scleroderma. I ask myself, why am I supposed to be carrying this burden and what am I supposed to be learning from it? How am I supposed to become a better person because of it? Let me count the ways.......
  3. barefut
    It seems Barb and I live parallel lives on opposite sides of the world. Only whereas Barb has a menagerie of animals making chaos for people, I have a menagerie of boys making chaos in my house.
    Looks like a bomb went off in here. I look around and just want to cry. I could pick up and clean up and it would look good, for about a half an hour. I hate living in a mess. No matter how hard I try, I just can't relax in a messy house. It's depressing. Even more depressing when I don't have the energy to pick up.
    Now that I have a neighbor coming here 3 days a week to watch the boys after school, it motivates me to at least wash the dishes and clean the bathroom. In one of my 'woe is me' posts, Shelley suggested inviting people over now and then to help motivate me to get off my duff and clean house for company. Although Shelley, of course, didn't say 'get off my duff'. It works. The shame of having a neighbor walk into the boys' gross bathroom really gets me into gear - although usually at the last possible minute.
    I have quit bothering so much when my sister comes over any more. She knows me, so who am I kidding cleaning my house for her? Speaking of sister, she came over this weekend and helped me finish painting my bedroom. We got my mattress onto a bed frame, hung my curtains and artwork and now I have a peaceful retreat. I don't ever want to want to leave it especially since the rest of the house looks like a war zone.
    Four boys went out to play! I'll see what I can get done while they're gone......Never mind; a knock at the door brings the neighbors and their dogs over. Chaos Central. Anybody have any spoons?
  4. barefut
    A giant bowl of popcorn to go with my butter and salt, a glass of wine and the boys' leftover chocolate; who could ask for a better dinner? And I get to enjoy it in peace and without guilt while the boys are at the neighbor's house.
    Adult indulgences -- so few and far between. I want to go to a grown-up movie, even if it's by myself. The last grown-up movie I saw in a theater was Jerry Maguire -- or was it the Fugitive? Either way, it was like 11+ years ago!
    My co-worker's kids were at their grandma and grandpa's house for the night. She was meeting a friend for dinner after work. I can't wait until my sister, brother-in-law and my dad get settled here. I would love to be able to know my boys were safe and secure with family so I could go out for a night.
    But solitude for me is hard to come by and I am savoring every minute of it right now as I feel my arteries clogging and the cellulite forming from my healthy (NOT!) dinner. Well I guess the red wine will help to combat the bad effects the butter and salt has on my heart. What to do about the cellulite I do not know.....? Exercise? What is that?
  5. barefut
    Okay Barb, do you want to stop making me cry now? :P
    I couldn't agree with you more on all points except for maybe the part about me dealing with parenthood immaculately. I muddle through. Seems I am constantly looking for role models and asking every parent I know, "Do you run into this (or that) - what do you do?" As with Scleroderma, I guess I just don't want to feel all alone in this uncertain adventure called parenthood.
    Then there's my two subtypes of being a Parent:
    1. Single Parent
    2. Single Parent with Scleroderma
    Yes, we are rare. I would like to bend the ear of other single parents with scleroderma. I don't know of many. Maybe I will put out an all points bulletin in the Sclero Den. I think I need to be relieved of some of my guilt by knowing I am not the only one who parents like me. For me, sclero mom equals slacker mom.
  6. barefut
    Barb, I just read your latest blog through streaming tears. It was beautiful and you have a beautiful daughter.
    How timely too! This is the second time tonight I have been prompted to take a closer look at how scleroderma has affected my family.
    No matter how hard I try to carry on as if scleroderma isn't a factor in my life, or in the lives of my boys, it is there. It will always be there and it does change their lives too because it changes the way I parent my children.
    If I had a dime for everytime I have broken the golden rule of parenting, BE CONSISTENT, I could get out of debt. Hard to be consistent when living with a disease where you never now from one day to the next how you will be feeling. When I am feeling good, I feel in control. When I am not feeling good, I let my boys get away with stuff because I am too tired to fight about it.
    I also wonder what messages I am sending them when I let my bedroom become messier than theirs because my bedroom is my last priority in the house. How can I look them in the face and say, "Clean your room."?
    How can I sit on my 'lazy' rear and let the recycling and the laundry pile up and the yard go untouched and let the refrigerator go bare and eat out all the time because I am too tired to grocery shop and cook and clean the kitchen? This is not how I want my boys to be raised nor how I want them to turn out as adults.
    I constantly ask myself, am I really doing the best I can? Can I do better? At what expense?
    As for how Scleroderma has affected my friends and family, well I cannot say other than I know that they must worry. And I know that they have really been there for me when I needed it the most.
    My boys are still so young and my scleroderma is not visable to them so if you asked them how my scleroderma has affected their lives, my six year old would say, what is scleroderma? My 10 year old would have plenty to say about my parenting, I'm sure, but would not attribute any of it to scleroderma. Maybe I shouldn't either?
  7. barefut
    Yea Barb, I know what you mean. Thank goodness I only travel to the concrete jungle, I don't have to live there. I am blessed to live in a paradise with only the weather to complain about (and the occasional rubber necking tourist when I'm in a hurry) I wouldn't mind being someone's bit of fluff either. :D Do I get Tarzan along with that title? But a bit of fluff I 'aint. More like a ton of lard.
    Oh, you asked the significance of the Luke Skywalker cardboard cutout in my rheumatologist's lobby. I think Luke was the office manager's significant other. Little did she know he was already taken. We've been an item since I was 12. I still have all his magazine photos in a large manilla envelope.
    I have gained 20 pounds on Prednisone. Tapering down by 1mg a month will take forever. So will taking off this weight. Can't say it was worth it now. But that's also because I can still move somewhat. Oh the things we must 'weigh' in considering meds. :rolleyes:
    Autumn is in full drizzle and the leaves, like my fingers, are turning colors and falling off of their limbs. Time to dig out my 100 pairs of dollar store gloves. I learned early on to buy all the same color if I want to match for longer than a day.
    I am freezing so I have to make this another short blog and go warm up in the shower. I wish I knew how to relight the pilot light on the propane fireplace. Probably better off anyway; propane costs as much as gasoline!
    Stay Healthy, Happy Safe and WARM!!!!!
  8. barefut
    Barb, your 3 month checkups sound kind of like mine. A two and a half hour minimum, one way travel time, crossing 2 bodies of water, one by floating bridge that is usually open to submarine traffic every time I cross it and I must wait at least 1/2 hour. The other body of water crossed by ferry usually during commuter time. Then a treacherous hill climb through downtown traffic and dodging pedestrians running to beat the light. Finally to the top of the hill and into the parking garage. No sense even looking for a space until I get to the top floor. Then a 6 story descent by foot down the stairs to street level.
    Once inside, a wait in line to check in, then the elevator to the 5th floor where I cross a skybridge to the next building and go up the elevator to the 6th floor. Around the corner and a life size cardboard cutout of Luke Skywalker dressed in real scrubs greets me at the reception desk. Seeing my childhood crush waiting for me at the end of my long journey is totally worth it all. :D The gals at the desk promised me I could have him. They even offered to carry him down to my car for me. But he belonged to their boss and she wasn't there that day, so I was a little hesitant about taking him. Upon my next visit he was gone. :(
    Then yea, a 5 minute face to face with rheumatologist and it's all the way back home and all at a cost of about $120 for gas, ferry, parking and at least one meal on the road, not to mention missing work. So, I talked my rheumatologist into seeing me every 6 months as long as I was feeling the same. I can get my bloodwork done locally and they'll fax results to her. When I see my pulmonologist and have my PFT every 6 months, I see my rheumatologist too. The clinics have been great at scheduling my appointments all within an hour of each other.
    As far as complaints or questions to ask, I really don't have much to say anymore either. "Uhhh......I got nuthin' - wanna look at my toe?" So at last visit I showed her my painful pinky toe with the brownsih toenail (which I have concluded is a stubborn fungal infection not gangrene). She said, sometimes people just have it cut off. Knowing what she meant I teasingly said, "The toe?!" :o to which she replied, "No, the nail." <_< I think she thought I was serious. Now she thinks I'm a nut case. I was concerned about the healing process with Raynaud's and all but since she didn't seem at all concerned, I think I will have it cut off - sick of dealing with it.
    What a lovely discussion! :P
  9. barefut
    Oh dear Barb what can I say?
    Your poems always brighten my day. :D
    You are so clever, you have such wit
    Your writing you'd better never quit
    I am so sorry you are feeling pain to the bone
    I want to tell you, you are not alone.
    My hips are rebelling going up the stairs
    And my knees are screaming at the weight they must bear.
    My shoulder too is giving me grief
    When can we ever find some relief?
    The pain has gone up my neck and down my arm
    This dismobility is causing alarm
    Why must we work harder than anyone else
    To do the same things and with so much pain felt?
    I am not looking for sympathy either
    (Just a Rhyme for either right now)
    Your poems on life always amaze
    I hope you're not shy of a little praise
    You make rhyming look easy but it 'aint all the time
    Like Yoda I write just to make it rhyme
    So, thanks once again for another smile
    And la -la -la something to rhyme with smile
    Love you!
    Feel better soon!
  10. barefut
    My brain turned to mush at work with a balancing nightmare. If you work in banking or with numbers at all, I'm sure at one point or another you've experienced mushbrain. I was relieved to know that there is such a thing and that it was not just me.
    One of my very understanding and sympathetic supervisors, bless her sweet soul, told me that mush brain is very real and that if you can remember your name when asked, or even understand the question, then you will recover quite nicely.
    I stared at her blankly. Uhhhhh What? My name? Uhhhhhh, my name is.......What is my name??!!!
    Symptoms of Mushbrain
    Early warning signs
    1. A feeling that something isn't quite right
    2. Attempts to research the cause of the feeling are foiled time and time again
    3. Frustration ensues but must be squashed
    4. You are now overwhelmed, the clock is ticking, there is no one to help you
    Early stage Mushbrain attack
    1. You overcompensate your lack of knowledge with gushing friendliness
    2. In an attempt to regroup you only become more disorganized
    3. Constant interruptions are slowly eating your brain cells
    4. You will take advice from anyone
    5. Eyes become glazed
    Full blown Mushbrain attack
    1. Headache (what doesn't ache?)
    2. Loud ringing in the ears
    3. Blank stare
    4. Inability to answer simple questions
    5. Inability to utter a comprehensive word
    6. Fight or flight instinct kicks in
    Complicating Factors
    1. 11:00 am lunch, no afternoon break, it's now 5:30 pm
    2. You must find someone to pick up your children at daycare before 6:00pm
    3. No one you call is home
    4. Four different people are telling you 4 different things to do all at the same time
    Although fleeing did cross my mind, I stayed and fought to the bitter end which is a punch line in itself because the answer to the balancing nightmare was sitting on the copy machine the whole time.
  11. barefut
    In thumbing through a specialty catalog the other day I came across 2 items that reminded me of a couple of members here. One was a T-shirt that said, "It Is What It Is". The other was an outdoor 'welcome' mat that said, "Close The Door The Chickens Will Come In!" I'll let you all try and figure out who I am talking about. ;) And if anyone wants the name of that catalog, feel free to PM me.
    I may have over done it a bit in my workout tonight. Sharp chest pains. Please, if I have to have a heart attack, don't let it happen until my insurance kicks in. I have 8 more days.....can you put heart attacks on hold?
    I have a gripe to vent. "When does she not have a gripe to vent?" I hear some of you who know me well and/or have worked with me, say ;) But listen, I've been keeping all my gripes to myself lately and honestly there haven't been a whole lot either. But this one has to come out.
    I need to know why every single public woman's restroom I have ever been in that has gigantic toilet paper roll dispensers, has them mounted so low that you have to stand on your head to dispense the toilet paper?! Is there some kind of regulation, mandate or standard building code that requires this? What logical reason must there be for not installing them 2 feet higher?
    Is it just one of those things that has always been done that way and now that we have King Kong sized toilet paper rolls enclosed in plastic dispensers (which when holding a full roll is so heavy that the tissue can't pull it's own weight and breaks off in little tiny pieces in your hands) that no one has stopped to think, "Gee, this would be hard to reach even for someone not in a delicate situation; maybe it should be higher?"
    I have a trophy for the first establishment I visit that has this type of dispenser installed with common sense.
    Okay, now on to the motion sensor, automatic flushing toilets which flush (and splash) on you when you lean forward into your headstand to tear off your 1200 thumb-sized toilet paper rations. Yea, gotta gripe about that too. And why does the toilet sometimes choose not to flush at all? Huh? Then you're looking all over the place for the over-ride switch/default flusher button (or else the candid camera) because they never put them in the same place from one manufacturer to the next. I imagine a bunch of people in security laughing their socks off as they sit there with a remote control flusher, just messing with people.
    Well, I guess that's enough potty talk for one night. This blog may not even be approved!
    1:25 am. Going to be a fun day today. Man I wish I could sleep!
  12. barefut
    Long time no blog. Just enjoying my first cup of decaf for the day as the sweat from house cleaning evaporates from my forehead (why do I need a treadmill?).
    My new employer held its annual awards dinner lastnight at a fancy golf and country club. I really wanted to go but my body didn't. I even had something to wear and the boys were pawned off on the neighbors for the night. Oh well, there's always next year.
    Since the kids spent the night at the neighbors, I got to sleep in until 8:30! :D Even better, I get a peaceful, productive morning before the whole neighborhood of boys shows up at my house as is the usual Sunday routine. So not sure how much blogging time I have this morning. Trying to blog with kids in the house is like trying to....do something futile (not very witty this morning <_< ).
    I was noticing how neglected my pantry has become. It's scary. Speaking of scary, I decided to leave the cobwebs up for decoration as October is fast approaching anyway. I'm trying hard to not become overwhelmed. I still have to file my 2007 tax return, finish and file divorce papers, renew a number of assistance applications and get to know what I'm doing at work.
    Little boy just burst through the door. I guess a short blog is better than no blog at all (hey now! <_< ) It's football time anyway. GO SEAHAWKS!!! GO PEANUT!!!!
  13. barefut
    First day of school. YAY!!! Need I say more? Nah.
    First day on the new job. YAY!!! Need I say more? Yes! Not only do I have a desk, I have an office! A brand new cushy office in a brand new cushy bank with brand new cushy furniture. It will make up for losing my water view at my old bank.
    My new bank is a bank/coffee shop upstairs from a funky uptown market/deli. My new position is Personal Banker. I am looking forward to new challenges and a better paycheck. Pretty cool I have my fancy coffee so handy, not to mention all the delectable pastries and muffins. This afternoon I was subjected to the torture of all the mouth watering aromas wafting upstairs from the deli. I can see myself going broke from eating out everyday and gaining 400 pounds from all the mochas and sweets.
    I am afraid that I will have to have my picture in the business news section of our local paper, introducing me to the public as their new Personal Banker. Hopefully they only do that for the higher-ups. I so hate my picture taken! I am just one of those very unphotogenic people, no matter which side of me faces the camera. In my whole life I have had maybe 2 good pictures taken. Maybe they can use one of those? Of course I was 15 in one, and 22 in the other and 80 pounds lighter in both. <_< But most of all, I'm very self-conscience of the changes sclero has made to my face. I hate my small mouth and my lipless donkey smile. I really don't want to advertise it.
    Not looking forward to another change of health insurance coverage - and then another in November as we will most likely change providers due to rising costs. I have had a rough time getting my mail order prescriptions all ironed out and as soon as I think I have it all under control, it changes. But hey - I'm not complaining! New job, new bank, bigger paycheck - I am grateful!!!
    I guess I do need to say more about the first day of school: I wasn't able to be there for my youngest's first day of first grade but I have a wonderful neighbor who has watched the boys for me for these past 2 weeks and she took the boys out to breakfast this morning and drove them to school, taking little one in to purchase his school supply kit in the office and help him find his classroom. I am so blessed to have such special people come into my life and take over for me when I can't be there to be mom.
    Another busy day tomorrow, must get some sleep.....zzzzzzzzzzz
  14. barefut
    We attempted a day at the Lake yesterday but got rained out 1/2 way there so we went school shopping with grandpa's gift money instead. On the way home we were stopped on the highway for nearly 2 hours due to a terrible multi car accident. We counted 6 aid cars passing us to get to the scene. I was sick in my stomach. Had I not stopped to rummage for empty boxes on our way out of the warehouse store, we could have been part of that accident.
    Driving by the wreckage, the worst of the cars was unrecognizable. My stomach churned. If anyone survived that, it would be unbelievable. I couldn't help but to imagine what the victims and their families were feeling. One minute they are on their way to somewhere, with a plan for the day and the next minute their whole life is changed.
    How would I handle it? What would I do? In my imagination, I never handle it well. Don't ask me why I let myself think things like that. Maybe to prepare myself should anything terrible ever really happen to me or my family. Or maybe I'm just warped.
    It was a wake up call for all. Pay attention when driving! We've been driving for so long and so often, it becomes mundane, like brushing our teeth. We let our minds wander and even our eyes wander and it only takes a split second to kill or be killed in an automobile. I know I will lose some of my bad driving habits after seeing that wreck.
    I didn't intend for this blog to sound like a public service announcement. Just want you all to be careful out there and don't forget that what you are driving can kill in an instant.
    The newspaper this morning said there were no fatalities in the accident - thank goodness!
  15. barefut
    I thought a day at the lake was in order since it was going to be a hot one. So trading in mountains of dirty laundry, dirty dishes and doggie mess for mountains of evergreens, I loaded up 'ol Betsy and headed out to pick up Ryan's friend and we were on our way. Right after we got the mail, finally returned All Star baseball uniforms, stopped at the grocery store for ice and water, and the deli mart for sandwiches. THEN we were on our way. Half-way there, another stop at the discount store for $3 floatie toys and vitamins then it was next stop, THE LAKE!!!
    Finally there, all 3 boys took off like rockets towards the water, leaving me in a cloud of dust and juggling dog on a leash, beach bag, towels, life jacket and cooler. It was easily 95 degrees in the shade and I was sweating buckets. At least there was a breeze.......blowing my hair in my face and I didn't see the tree stump and stubbed my big toe, with the ingrown toenail. Yea, "ouch" but that's not what I said.
    Okay, so found a nice spot beside the dock where I could put cooler and dog in the shade and keep an eye on the big boys jumping off the end of the dock - if it weren't for the 2 speed boats tied up out there and the dozen or so people camped out with beers in hand. After about a half hour, I spied an empty spot near some wooden lounge chairs and a driftwood log. Sun, shade, close to the parking lot, bathrooms and out of the line of sight of the strange woman who kept staring at me.
    Ahhh, all settled - again. "Mom will you blow this up?" "What?!" Oh well, what's another PFT? I huffed and puffed until I saw stars and decided I was going to reap some of the rewards of this floatie if I was doing all the work. Little one donned his life jacket and we launched ourselves out into the crystal clear, sparkling blue water, but not without a bit of squealing on my part as the cold water flowed over my back.
    Floating on an air matress on a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains of trees.....this is the life. I could have just fallen asleep out there - if it weren't for the speed boats making wake and my 6 year old splashing me. Well, maybe some other time. What did I expect on the hottest day of summer on the 2nd to last Saturday before school starts when I didn't even get to the lake until after noon - the place to be empty? All those people are just lucky that I share my special spot with them ;)
  16. barefut
    Weeds, disease and garden pests - AGH! I can't keep up with it! Watering my "gardens" (weed patches) tonight (a little late) I couldn't believe how fast and how many weeds popped up since I was in the garden last. How long ago was it? Seems like only last week but may well have been 2 or even 3 weeks ago - I don't know. All I know is I obviously can't keep up with it.
    I have often wondered why I even keep the rosebush by the front door, which every year becomes ridden with disease and pests. Tonight it came to me that, that's why. It's a sacrificial rosebush, meant to be dinner for garden pests so that my other plants may live.
    Kinda sad really but I hate using chemicals in my gardens. So my pathetic little martyr of a rosebush does its best every year until disease takes it over and I prune it to the ground. Now each spring it comes back with more and more buds than the year before, as if trying to prove something. You have to admire that.
  17. barefut
    I am finding that I am starting to use blogging as a procrastination exercise when I should be doing something else. Just like in college when I suddenly decided it was crucial that I do the laundry or clean my room when I really should have been studying. I got a lot of organizing done that way.
    I sit here bleary eyed and heavy headed with the clock pushing midnight and the acid pushing up my throat. I haven't even laid down yet and I ate an early dinner. I am going to blame this on my meds that I just took 20 minutes ago. Seems I can drink a gallon of water with them and still sometimes the acid flows. I don't know what's worse, the acid or the hung-over feeling I'll have tomorrow from the lack of sleep tonight.
    Anyway, what I should be doing instead of procrastablogging is filing my giant piles of paper stuff. Where does all that stuff come from anyway?! Everyday on my To-Do list is "File the Pile" but it only seems to grow bigger and bigger like a science experiment gone bad.
    But now my hip is cramping so I'd better just ease gently into my poor old broken down recliner -or what's left of it (we have a lot in common, my recliner and I; partly why I can't get rid of it I guess) and try some biofeedback on this reflux. Maybe it will work; it never hurts to try...
    Acid go back~Acid go back~Acid go back..........
  18. barefut
    My 10 year old came to me the other day, stuck his armpit up to my face and said, "Look mom! Pit hair!" It was a hair alright. But it wasn't his. Turns out he was teasing me.
    We were watching a funny video show on TV where a goose was attacking people. My son's friend said, "Man, geese are mean!" to which my son replied without batting an eye, "That's how you get goosebumps."
    Yes, I have a little comedian in my home. He has been a clown since he was able to walk and talk. He made a name for himself in Playschool when he was only 18 months old. Parents I didn't even know, knew my little clown and I would hear, "Oh, you're Ryan's mom..." and then, "Good luck with that." as they watched him dance on the tables.
    I have hours and hours of video that would take days to watch. Some of it worthy of television video show awards. (Hmmm....I could use $10,000) I also have a little journal stashed away with all the funny things he's said and done over the years. It's priceless. So is he. :D
  19. barefut
    The boys and I went to the beach late this afternoon with a picnic dinner and ran into our little birthday girl and her family. They are such great, fun people. Awesome parents, loving, protcective and kind. My little preschool alumni girl snuggled up to me on the driftwood log and asked me if she could sit on my lap. Oh my heart! :D
    I'm not sure if I believe in coincidences or not. I'm one of those who tends to believe that almost everything happens for a reason; we just have to be paying attention. Seeing the girls reminded me of my preschool and of the in-home daycare I had planned on starting but never did. I'm wondering if recent events and seeing the girls two weekends in a row might be signs that I should reconsider the in-home daycare.
    Self-employment is hard. Self-employment in childcare is even harder and self-employment in childcare, out of your own home is even harder still. Not to mention trying to get affordable health insurance coverage - and doing it all while battling scleroderma and trying to get divorced. Not looking for sympathy (this time) just thinking 'out loud' and wondering if I could really do it. I'd probably have to beef-up the Cellcept and the Prednisone .
    My heart really is in childcare. Too bad my muscles, connective tissues, lungs, my entire gastrointestinal system and my stamina isn't on board too.
  20. barefut
    The sweet, sweet smell of my fresh cut sweet pea flowers fills my kitchen :D (nice change from the litterbox smell :P ) It took me all day but I managed to get all the grass mowed, all my plants watered and had spoons left over for some planting, pruning and picking. The boys helped me mow the backyard and the oldest did a little weed whacking. My little men.
    During the hottest part of the day we went to a Hawaiian themed birthday party for a little friend of ours who turned 7. How nice it was to sit in the shade with cold drink in hand and watch the kids play in the kiddie pool. And then to get fed too! Skewers of teriaki chicken, pineapple and red peppers hot off the grill and on a bed of rice - YUM!
    I had the birthday girl's little sister in my preschool last year. It was so good to see them again. Getting to spend time around all the little ones was good for me. I can see myself nagging my grown boys for grandchildren.
    Back at home around 5pm and no need to make dinner as we were so full from the party. Big one went to his buddy's house down the road for a sleepover and the little guy hung out with me while I played around in the yard until dark. Then we snuggled in the hammock with pillows and blankies and watched the stars come out.
    I woke to mosquitos buzzing my face and a dampness that chilled me to the bone. I pulled my son's legs over my lap, swung my own legs over the edge and in one smooth motion rolled us both out of the hammock without waking him. Hammocks are much easier to get out of with a 50 pound, sleeping kid on your lap than a recliner! Sleeping in our nests on the couch tonight.
    I am surprised by all I got done today in the yard. I paced myself very well, if I do say so myself (pat on back). I'm sure it helped that I slept in until 9am (without sleep aid) and I only worked in the shade. I'm getting the hang of it!
    Now, to tackle the inside tomorrow....
  21. barefut
    Well I couldn't do it today. I just could not make it into work. Fatigue and exhaustion won. Haven't been sleeping much all week. Burning flank pain came back too so I saw my urologist on a moment's notice (he's a gem). No blood in urine. doctor says burning pain is nerve related. He asked what's up? I told him just more of the same - and not sleeping. He suggested a sleep aid for a limited time, so I said I'd try it. I'll start it tomorrow.
    Hopefully, catching up on some good deep sleep will bring me back to life. I have felt like an absent-minded idiot. In fact, I didn't remember doctor giving me the Rx. I remember seeing him writing it but did not remember taking it from him and putting it in my purse, which is where I found it after I stupidly asked him if he gave it to me. :blink: Imagine if I had gone to work today and tried to handle other people's money! :o
    Must go now - in search of REM........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  22. barefut
    What a crazy past few weeks! Gone from 8am to 8pm, 5 days a week with Ryan's baseball practices every week night 5:30 - 7:30. It's not time, or fuel efficient to be driving back and forth from home all the time, so Jeffery and I hang out at the baseball field during practice and have some quality time together. We talk about his day, pass the football, play baseball, or just snuggle in the suburban. Sometimes he plays on the playground with the other little brothers and sisters and I get to balance the checkbook or close my eyes.
    I've been feeling pretty guilty about our eating habits lately as we've been having to hit the drive thru and deli mart a lot. Haven't had time to grocery shop let alone cook. There's things I need to be doing besides blogging right now but I need this time for me and I've felt out of touch here. I'm actually grateful for the rain this morning so I don't have to spend precious time watering or watch my plants die.
    I put an ad in the paper for childcare and fell in love with the very first caller I got. A single school teacher, new to our area, with two older boys of her own. We talked for an hour and by the end of our conversation I was asking her to move in with me! Crazy, I know, but I bonded with her right away. I am just worried that my Childcare Assistance won't be enough income for her to take the job. I could use everyone's best wishes on that one.
    Jeffery is struggling with his seasonal allergies. Poor kid. About a week ago he said he couldn't breathe after playing out on the farm so I am now worried about him having asthma. He needs an appointment to renew his Rx. Gotta try and squeeze that in somewhere, hopefully today.
    My house - oh my house....Ryan stayed home from YMCA yesterday so his team mate's mom could pick him up and he could hang out with his buddy for the day and then go to practice with them. Well while he was helping me out by washing some dishes, the pull-out kitchen sink faucett broke off in his hand, shooting water all over. The ad says "buy it for life" so I hope that means they will replace it for life. I'll spare you my laundry nightmare.
    Well I can get in a power nap before I have to get up and make lunches and get ready for work. So I'm gonna do it, since my head is spinning, my ears are ringing and my eyes are burning.
    Be back when I can...
  23. barefut
    Well, back to work tomorrow or actually today as I have to catch up on laundry, grocery shopping, and housecleaning that fell by the wayside while dad, sis and brother-in-law were here.
    Wednesday, dad and brother-in-law got the dog kennel fence and gate put up. What a relief, now my vegetable garden is safe from digging paws and the kids' toys safe from chewing teeth. That's right, I said vegetable garden! It's finally planted! Sis and I also planted the pumpkin patch and sweet corn. We had an early BBQ dinner and then we all went to watch Big One's All Star baseball practice. After practice we loaded up Betsy and went to the drive in.
    The next morning, we all met at the farm to work on the fence and do some planting. The weather cooperated beautifully - not too hot , not too cold and with sun breaks! The men and sis made good headway on the fence while I made good headway on my tan. I feel kind of useless out there as far as physical laboring goes. So I make it my job to make the laborers comfy by providing water breaks and lawn chairs and blankets for lounging on. I am also the 'gofer' -- I go for the sandwiches at the deli and bring them back for a picnic lunch.
    The boys and the dog had fun playing in the tall grass at the end of the field and we all played baseball in the mowed end of the field while a bald eagle soared overhead, hunting chickens at the neighbor's farm (and yes, caught one).
    I got to take a long walk alone, just me and my camera. Something I haven't done in well over 10 years. The farm has 11 acres of trails full of wildflowers and wildlife. It was so peaceful and relaxing to be able to enjoy that solitude.
    Three blissful days of perfect weather out on the farm - the frontage fence is done and the farm gate in place, as well as an antique potato harvester we found buried in the brush on the back side of the property. It makes great 'yard art' at the entrance to the farm. This fall the barn will be built. I am as excited as if it were my own place. It's starting to feel more and more real that my sister, BIL and dad will soon be living out here close to me and the boys.
    It was a wonderful, peaceful, relaxing, vacation. Now back to the laundry.
  24. barefut
    I am on vacation (at home) and have had two, count them, TWO days of sun in a row! It must be some kind of record. I got out and got my hands dirty in the garden and it was very therapeutic for me as I have had a couple of setbacks lately. Mom has gone back to Montana. The kids and I miss her. Not only that but now I am stuck without childcare for the summer. Stressful trying to work out what I am going to do.
    Another couple of personal disappointments and I am struggling to stay positive. The weather today isn't helping as now it is dark and gloomy and of course cold and wet. I guess I'll try to get some chores done in the house today, that always cheers me up. I need to finish painting my bedroom. It's been 1/2 painted for 6 months. Nice way to spend a vacation huh?
    I'm just happy to have the time off work as things haven't been going so well there lately either. Friday I had an ATM nightmare, which is fitting since it was the 13th. And since I had a bad dream about the ATM Thursday night. I dreampt that the machine kept taking and destroying people's cards. I went in to get them and try to make it stop but when I opened the door, more and more cards kept flying in at me, all in little bitty pieces. Friday's real life nightmare wasn't about cards but a nightmare nontheless.
    On the positive side, my dad came out from Indiana to visit! He's been at my sister and brother-in-law's, 2 hours away, since Friday and they are all coming over here tonight and staying at a bed and breakfast. Tomorrow, Wednesday, they will come over to my house and we're going to put up the dog kennel fence. Nothing fancy, just wire fencing and a gate. Then we're gong to celebrate Father's Day (a little late) with steaks on the grill. For the rest of their time here we will be working out on sister's (soon to be) farm, planting and putting up fence.
    I can't wait to see dad. The boys and I miss him so much. Sis is taking dad house hunting while he is here, as he is also going to move to my town. Within the next few years my boys will have their grandpa and their aunt and uncle living only 15 minutes away. I can't wait. Sometimes it seems like just a dream and that it will never really happen.
    My family is so important to me. My parents divorced when I was 20 and after I moved out, we have been separated by 2 1/2 hours in travel time. Then mom moved to Montana and Dad retired and moved back home to Indiana. That left just me and sis out here and I never got to see her much as she is the city mouse and I am the country mouse. I can't wait for that to change! We were both born in rural Indiana. Though sis was only 4 when we moved out here, I guess you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.
    Well now I have to brag about my oldest being chosen for the All Star baseball team. I am happy to have an extended baseball season even if it means driving to practices every evening for the next week. I SO love watching the boys play and was sad to see the regular season end.
    Guess I'd better start my day. Getting pretty stiff sitting here - time to hit the shower.
  25. barefut
    Ten years ago
    And it seems like yesterday
    Where does it all go?
    Seems like ten years ago
    Like a freight train
    Goes rushing by
    Yes it does fly
    People and places come and go
    Only their faces
    Do we know?
    Another birthday
    And we think we're getting old
    Or so we're told
    Ten years ago
    And it seems like yesterday
    The way we laughed and played
    Makes us sad now
    And we wish we knew how
    To do it all again