barefut

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Blog Entries posted by barefut

  1. barefut
    What a crazy past few weeks! Gone from 8am to 8pm, 5 days a week with Ryan's baseball practices every week night 5:30 - 7:30. It's not time, or fuel efficient to be driving back and forth from home all the time, so Jeffery and I hang out at the baseball field during practice and have some quality time together. We talk about his day, pass the football, play baseball, or just snuggle in the suburban. Sometimes he plays on the playground with the other little brothers and sisters and I get to balance the checkbook or close my eyes.
     
    I've been feeling pretty guilty about our eating habits lately as we've been having to hit the drive thru and deli mart a lot. Haven't had time to grocery shop let alone cook. There's things I need to be doing besides blogging right now but I need this time for me and I've felt out of touch here. I'm actually grateful for the rain this morning so I don't have to spend precious time watering or watch my plants die.
     
    I put an ad in the paper for childcare and fell in love with the very first caller I got. A single school teacher, new to our area, with two older boys of her own. We talked for an hour and by the end of our conversation I was asking her to move in with me! Crazy, I know, but I bonded with her right away. I am just worried that my Childcare Assistance won't be enough income for her to take the job. I could use everyone's best wishes on that one.
     
    Jeffery is struggling with his seasonal allergies. Poor kid. About a week ago he said he couldn't breathe after playing out on the farm so I am now worried about him having asthma. He needs an appointment to renew his Rx. Gotta try and squeeze that in somewhere, hopefully today.
     
    My house - oh my house....Ryan stayed home from YMCA yesterday so his team mate's mom could pick him up and he could hang out with his buddy for the day and then go to practice with them. Well while he was helping me out by washing some dishes, the pull-out kitchen sink faucett broke off in his hand, shooting water all over. The ad says "buy it for life" so I hope that means they will replace it for life. I'll spare you my laundry nightmare.
     
    Well I can get in a power nap before I have to get up and make lunches and get ready for work. So I'm gonna do it, since my head is spinning, my ears are ringing and my eyes are burning.
     
    Be back when I can...
  2. barefut
    It is with great pleasure that I am able to tell you that our Sweet Pam is just as Sweet IN PERSON as she is here in the forums!
     
    On Saturday August 20 Pam, her hubby Brian and their little fluff ball Pomeranian arrived in Port Townsend, via their way cool speed boat, to meet me. Little old ME! Yes, there were tears.
     
    I met Pam online when I joined ISN back in 2006. For awhile I was a support specialist alongside her. I have always wanted to meet her and thought it would be possible ‘someday’ as she lives just a hop skip and a jump over the Cascade Mountains from me. I am so grateful that she and her wonderful husband, Brian made the effort to make it happen.
     
    We had so much fun! After the boys and I picked them up at the marina we went out to visit my sister and brother-in-law at their mini farm. After a short tour we sat on the covered porch of the barn, enjoyed the cool breeze and talked while my youngest son Henry brushed Bob the sheep.
     
    We came home for an easy dinner of pizza. It was so great to have her here in my home. I wished she didn’t have to leave. Just before dusk we drove them back to the marina. I think my boys asked Brian for a boat ride and before I knew it we were speeding along Port Townsend’s bay at dusk, looking at the lights of town and enjoying the delighted looks on my boys’ faces.
     
    Braden got to drive the boat, Henry was too afraid he’d wreck it, but was happy to sit next to Pam and I and enjoy the wind in his face and the speed of the boat. I enjoyed seeing my town from the waterside, a view I have only seen from the ferry so it was nice to get a closer look. We boated out to the lighthouse. On the way back, as we approached the marina, I started to feel a lump in my throat as I knew I was going to have to say good-bye in a few minutes.
     
    It was almost dark once we docked. There were hugs all around, more tears as I choked back that lump in my throat and then we were on our way back home. I felt like I had known Pam all my life. She and Brian felt like family. They ARE now my family! The boys and I are planning the trek over the mountains next summer to visit them. And if my evil plan works they will be moving to Port Townsend soon!
  3. barefut
    Came home tonight after the season ending baseball jamboree to news that our dear sweet friend is in the hospital fighting another infection and fighting for her life again. She has become part of our family this past year, caring for the boys, playing referee, chauffeur, chef, pet sitter, helping with homework, hurt feelings, little one's dramatic sports 'injuries' and generally being mom when I could not be there.
     
    I am sick with worry and feeling a bit responsible for her condition since my boys have been sick with fevers and croup. I should have not let her near little one after big one was sick. Of course he was carrying the crud, contagious after being around his brother and then got the fever about the same time she started feeling unwell. Oh, I feel so responsible! I spoke to her the day she went into the hospital and she said she was stabilized and felt better and was hoping to come home today. I told her I thought she got sick from my boys. She told me not to worry and said that if she did, she would never enter a grocery store. I felt better for only a second. Now instead of coming home today, her family was called to her side.
     
    My dear, dear, sweet, precious, kind hearted friend, please come home to us. We aren't done spending time with you yet. You must come over and let me cook for you like you cooked for me and the boys. We have to go to the drive in this summer and walk the beach with the dogs. You must let me be there for you like you have been there for us. So, we will see you home soon dear friend because we are not done.
  4. barefut
    Oh dear Barb what can I say?
    Your poems always brighten my day. :D
     
    You are so clever, you have such wit
    Your writing you'd better never quit
     
    I am so sorry you are feeling pain to the bone
    I want to tell you, you are not alone.
     
    My hips are rebelling going up the stairs
    And my knees are screaming at the weight they must bear.
     
    My shoulder too is giving me grief
    When can we ever find some relief?
     
    The pain has gone up my neck and down my arm
    This dismobility is causing alarm
     
    Why must we work harder than anyone else
    To do the same things and with so much pain felt?
     
    I am not looking for sympathy either
    (Just a Rhyme for either right now)
     
    Your poems on life always amaze
    I hope you're not shy of a little praise
     
    You make rhyming look easy but it 'aint all the time
    Like Yoda I write just to make it rhyme
     
    So, thanks once again for another smile
    And la -la -la something to rhyme with smile
     
    Love you!
    Feel better soon!
  5. barefut
    For six years I had a "probable lupus" diagnosis. I never could get used to the word lupus. I just don't like the way it sounds: Looo Pus. Lew pus. So I just never used it. Then, good news! I found out I didn't have lupus! Bad news. I had diffuse systemic scleroderma. Slcero-what? Sounds yukky and contagious. Ten times worse sounding than lupus. And the diffuse, systemic part didn't sound so great either. You know, the more words they add to your disease, the worse it is.
     
    My diagnosis came on January 2, 2006. Funny how I remember the exact date like it was the day of some kind of disaster.
     
    It took me over a year to own scleroderma. I couldn't even say out loud, "I have scleroderma." It sounded so definite and final. I tried it backwards, "Scleroderma has me." The best I could do was, "I have been diagnosed with scleroderma," as if maybe there was a chance that the doctors and lab techs made a mistake. After all, my lupus diagnosis was a mistake.
     
    There was no mistake. Turns out my lupus diagnosis was just scleroderma in progress. Now how was I going to deal with this? First, educate myself, right? Wrong! Everything I read scared me to......pieces. I felt I was given a death sentence and I could have 3-5, maybe 10 years and there was no way to know.
     
    Here I was, a stay-at-home mom to my two precious boys; in a bad marriage that I was gearing up to end; and in the process of applying to graduate school to earn my masters in Early Childhood Education. I was optimistic about my future for the first time in almost 10 years. I was ready to begin a new, happy, stress-free life full of promise. Then the rug was yanked out from under me and I landed in a broken heap.
     
    My mind raced with, "What am I going to do?!" My first concern was for my boys. Who would take care of them? What would their little lives be like without their mommy? What kind of people would they turn out to be without proper moral guidance?
     
    Then I felt like I had to scramble to get my affairs in order. I had no life insurance. How would I get any now?! Where were my old journals? Was there anything in them I didn't want left behind?
     
    I threw out my completed financial aid and graduate school applications. How could I possibly think about that now?
     
    I became hyper-sensitive, superstitious even, to silly, meaningless things. I could no longer watch my favorite hospital show on TV because people were dying. In one episode, a little boy lost his mom. I couldn't bear it.
     
    Thankfully, I found the International Scleroderma Network Forums and was able to communicate with real people living with various stages, degrees and types of scleroderma and I slowly began to see that, even as serious as diffuse systemic scleroderma is, it is not a death sentence. People were living happy, productive lives in spite of this ugly disease. I learned that there have been great advances in treatments in just the past few years that have given many people new hope.
     
    I have made many new friends on the ISN message board. I wish that I had come here first in trying to educate myself and maybe I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety and grief. With the knowledge and support of all the wonderful people I have met on the sclero forums, I realized that I was still going to have a new, happy life full of promise (notice I left out stress-free) -- it just wasn't going to be the one I had planned.
  6. barefut
    I just woke up from a dream that I was with a group of about 5 people who were supposed to be working with me as a team trying to save a bunch of precious historic photographs and stone artifacts before the tide came in and destroyed them.
     
    Instead of gathering up the stacks and stacks of photos and putting them into the boxes, one woman kept taking them out of their boxes. Then she ripped one of the boxes and everything went everywhere. Everyone else was just fooling around on the beach, not helping at all.
     
    It started raining tiny razor-like raindrops and the tide started washing over the stacks of photos that were sitting on the rocks. I tried to grab as many as I could and put them up on higher ground. My efforts were futile and everyone abandoned me on the shore because they didn't want to get wet and didn't understand why I cared so much about any of it.
     
    I noticed that the water went from crystal blue to muddy brown. I was angry and frustrated and overwhelmed but I still kept on trying to save whatever photos I could as I yelled at the others trying to convince them that this was important and we had to get it done.
     
    Wowza, well this one is a no-brainer to figure out. If you know me, this is my waking life. Dreams are fun, funny, weird, scary and sometimes dreams are a wake-up call.
  7. barefut
    Well there's no way I can top that Barb! Not that there's a competition or anything - just reminded me of "Dueling Banjos" for a minute there.
     
    I have to say I have never had anyone write about me, let alone write a poem about me! I feel imortalized. I kind of don't want to blog anything new for awhile because the blog page looks so cute with our title poems about each other posted one over the other.
     
    I am glad I was able to brighten your day. You certainly surprised and brightened mine! :D And by the way, you are no "ordinary" lady. You are EXTRAORDINARY!
     
    Keep on writing....
     
    Love you!
    Barefut
  8. barefut
    Back in November, after seeing my boys dig through the dirty laundry for the umpteenth time for something to wear to school, I had an epiphany, or a breakdown, whatever you want to call it. I collapsed on the couch in utter defeat, scanned my living room, which looked like a bomb went off in there, and I finally decided that something’s got to give. I have got to start taking better care of myself and my boys and the only way that is going to happen is if I use my Family Medical Leave to reduce my hours to part time.
     
    I was exhausted, sleep deprived, brain dead, in pain and depressed. I was no good to anybody, not myself, not my boys and not my employer. I saw my rheumatologist and she agreed that I needed to slow down, take it easy, and get more rest. I had weaned off prednisone and my muscle pain and inflammation had come back with a vengeance. I needed help getting out of bed, and out of my recliner. Those automatic lift recliners were starting to look pretty good to me. I was actually using a cane at home and wishing I had it at work some days but I would not dare take it out of the house! I couldn’t even stand to hear myself ask my sons to “bring me my cane” so I named it Ilean. Sounded better to say, “Could you bring me Ilean?” or “I need Ilean’s help…”. I even found myself eyeing those fancy walkers…but NO! I would not go there! I am only 44 years old and I will not even consider leaving the house with a cane or any other kind of mobility device. Not yet.
     
    Working part time was helpful but after about a month I ended up taking my FMLA as a total leave of absence. It kind of feels like free falling. I like the ‘free’ part best. I am free to take a nap when I need to, free to make my doctor appointments whenever I want to, free to take a long, hot, uninterrupted bath in the middle of the day or free to stay in my jammies and unshowered all day if I want to.
     
    Also free to feel vertigo half the day and spend the other half the day on the toilet (MY toilet!). Free to be nauseous and unable to get out of my chair, Free to go sleepless at night and be irritable and brain dead all day. Yipee! But I am FREE to do this! I don’t have to go to work feeling like all that.
     
    Yes, free is great! Falling is…..not so much. I’m sure I will wake up from this honeymoon stage and go splat here any day now and I’m sure it won’t be pretty either. Stay tuned for the *splat*!
  9. barefut
    Contrary to what I know you all think of me, I don't have it all together. Nope, I'm not the calm, cool, collected supermom with all the answers that I appear to be. ;) But make no mistake! I USED to be! (if only in my mind). :rolleyes: That could be why I suffer from the occasional anxiety attack today. Just talked myself out of a full blown, chest crushing, hyperventalating, finger tingling, arm numbing, dizzying panic attack - well with a little help from my doctor's nurse, bless her heart!
     
    The first time I had a full blown anxiety attack was on a hot, stuffy, crowded plane. I managed to talk myself out of that one too. The fear of embarrassment and causing a scene was greater than the fear of what was happening to my body - even though all I wanted to do was rip off all my clothes and jump out the window. :o
     
    The next one came in the middle of a meeting where as secretary, I was taking notes. I had to excuse myself and go home. The worst one was about 2 years ago here at home in the middle of the night. I thought I was having a heart attack and it may have been triggered by an esophageal spasm. I had to call 911 before I passed out. My youngest son is still traumatized by the EMT's taking me away.
     
    Today, I just couldn't stop my mind from racing. I started fretting over - well, everything! The foremost in my mind - getting my son and his friend to their driver's ed class on time (I'd better be careful here or I may relapse). My mind flooded with what-ifs. What if the bridge opens for marine traffic and makes us late? If we're late they will charge us $15. What if there's an accident? What if WE are in an accident? I should not let my son drive...
     
    From there it just went on and on until my stomach was in knots and my chest was so tight I couldn't breathe. I envisioned the medics coming again and I sure did not want that so I called my doctor's office and my nurse helped me to breathe regularly again. She consulted my doctor and he advised me to have someone drive me to the walk-in clinic and get checked out.
     
    I told them I could have my son drive me there when he got home in an hour but after I felt a little better I decided not to go. I really, really do not want to worry him, or my youngest, plus I have to be here to babysit a 7 year old when the elementary bus arrives. I seriously considered asking my dad or my sister to drive my son and his friend to driver's ed but I don't want to put them out. So again, my fear of worrying others or having to put someone out of their way for me, overcomes my anxieties. I know that is wrong. But I cannot help it.
     
    My nurse said turn on the tv for a distraction. Too annoying! Writing to yall here is a good distraction for me.
     
    I made an appointment to see my doctor first thing in the morning to discuss what to do with me. Here comes the high school bus - time to suck it up - again.
     
    *Sigh* I'll be alright - nobody worry about me! I mean it!
     
    Later....
     
    You - will - not - be - lieve - it! :blink: The bridge DID open for marine traffic! We were about 20 cars too late to make it across. I - do -not - be - lieve - it! I have not gotten stuck on the bridge in well over a year! Marine traffic is not a regular thing - maybe a couple times a week? And on the very first day of driver's ed class, the very thing I was fretting about, happened and made us late.
     
    Thankfully not too late and as it turns out more than 1/2 the class (9 out of 14 students) all come from our side of the bridge. It's normally only a 1/2 hour drive but if you get stuck for a bridge opening (thus a closing) then you can add at least another 1/2 hour to your travel. The instructor didn't charge anybody for being late. I don't think that's fair anyway.
     
    Well once there, the kids hurried in and I had brought my crossword puzzle book to occupy myself for the next 2 hours but there was a nice break in the rain and the night air felt good so I went for a walk. I had not walked through this olde part of this cute Scandanavian town in more than 15 years. It looks a bit like Santa's North Pole only without the snow. The shops are precious and the bistros and restaurants were warm and inviting as was the famous bakery which had all their wares in the window - taunting me.
     
    It was a nice, peaceful walk, a good distraction. I got back to Betsy just as it started to rain again. I just sat and enjoyed the sound of the rain on the roof of the suburban. Before I knew it, the kids were coming out and we headed home. They have their first drive tomorrow! I can't believe my baby is driving.
     
    Well it's off to bed now. I have an early doctor appt. Going to be pretty embarrassing. I hope he can fix me.
     
    4:18 am - I'M UP!
     
    In browsing some info on anxiety attacks, I found this from helpguide.org:
     
    "A panic attack may be a one-time occurrence, but many people experience repeat episodes. Recurrent panic attacks are often triggered by a specific situation, such as crossing a bridge or speaking in public – especially if that situation has caused a panic attack before. Usually, the panic-inducing situation is one in which you feel endangered and unable to escape."
     
     
    Ha-Ha-Ha!!!
  10. barefut
    Today was my first day back to work in the public world for the first time in 10 years, this time as a bank teller. I was nervous. Thank goodness for my boss, the branch manager, who is a very sweet, patient and down-to-earth woman, about my age (42). The other gals range in age from 19 - 23. I sense that my boss is grateful to have another 'mature' woman around - HA! - if she only knew...I feel about as mature as I did when I was 16.
     
    It's going to feel a bit strange having these young gals teaching this old dog new tricks. By all rights, I am old enough to be their mother and then some!
     
    It was nice to get out of my "mom uniform" of t-shirt and stretch knit capris, and into some "real" clothes. It helped me to feel a bit more grown-up. I even wore make-up, which I usually never do. I'm going to have to practice how to even put it on again without looking like a clown.
     
    I was grateful for the quiet office with the comfy chair and view of the water where I spent most of the day reading the new employee orientation online. It sure beats potty training 10 toddlers all day. I was right to pass on the "assistant teacher" job for the 0 - 3 year olds who broke my back. Sweet as they are, and as much as I love to spend time with little ones, they have a way of sucking the energy right out of you in no time.
     
    My boys enjoyed their time at the YMCA after school care in the school's gym. They got a snack and played basketball and board games until I picked them up at 5:30. We went out to our favorite restaurant for dinner on the way home. We call it our second kitchen but it's starting to become our first kitchen as much as we've been going there lately, and the staff has practically become second family. Such is the life of a tired, single mom with scleroderma. We've learned how and where to eat out frugally.
     
    Wow! It's almost 9pm already! My boys fell asleep, one on the couch, one in the recliner, right after their dessert, without brushing their teeth. We're all going to have to get used to a new routine. Tomorrow will be a challenge, as my youngest has basketball practice at 6pm in the same gym as his after school care. The poor kid will be at school from 8:30am - 7pm, the last 4 hours all in that gym. At least my 10 year old can walk over to the library for a change of scenery. I'm gonna have to bring sandwiches for dinner tomorrow.
     
    Adjustments, adjustments....bring 'em on. I'm ready for the challenge and the change. I think I'm going to like this job.
  11. barefut
    First day of school. YAY!!! Need I say more? Nah.
     
    First day on the new job. YAY!!! Need I say more? Yes! Not only do I have a desk, I have an office! A brand new cushy office in a brand new cushy bank with brand new cushy furniture. It will make up for losing my water view at my old bank.
     
    My new bank is a bank/coffee shop upstairs from a funky uptown market/deli. My new position is Personal Banker. I am looking forward to new challenges and a better paycheck. Pretty cool I have my fancy coffee so handy, not to mention all the delectable pastries and muffins. This afternoon I was subjected to the torture of all the mouth watering aromas wafting upstairs from the deli. I can see myself going broke from eating out everyday and gaining 400 pounds from all the mochas and sweets.
     
    I am afraid that I will have to have my picture in the business news section of our local paper, introducing me to the public as their new Personal Banker. Hopefully they only do that for the higher-ups. I so hate my picture taken! I am just one of those very unphotogenic people, no matter which side of me faces the camera. In my whole life I have had maybe 2 good pictures taken. Maybe they can use one of those? Of course I was 15 in one, and 22 in the other and 80 pounds lighter in both. <_< But most of all, I'm very self-conscience of the changes sclero has made to my face. I hate my small mouth and my lipless donkey smile. I really don't want to advertise it.
     
    Not looking forward to another change of health insurance coverage - and then another in November as we will most likely change providers due to rising costs. I have had a rough time getting my mail order prescriptions all ironed out and as soon as I think I have it all under control, it changes. But hey - I'm not complaining! New job, new bank, bigger paycheck - I am grateful!!!
     
    I guess I do need to say more about the first day of school: I wasn't able to be there for my youngest's first day of first grade but I have a wonderful neighbor who has watched the boys for me for these past 2 weeks and she took the boys out to breakfast this morning and drove them to school, taking little one in to purchase his school supply kit in the office and help him find his classroom. I am so blessed to have such special people come into my life and take over for me when I can't be there to be mom.
     
    Another busy day tomorrow, must get some sleep.....zzzzzzzzzzz
  12. barefut
    Lesson #1: Just because the phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it.....especially when you are asleep on the couch and jumping up to answer it means that half way across the livng room, your knee will give out and send all 190 (okay 200!) pounds of you flying at top speed into the wall and when you reach out to catch yourself on the window sill, your elbow will buckle leaving the telephone stand to break the rest of your fall onto your ribcage.
     
    Lesson #2: Just because the base of your left thumb swells to the size of an egg and you can't move it, doesn't mean it's broken.
     
    Lesson #3: Just because your ribs don't hurt that much today, doesn't mean they won't hurt a lot tomorrow.
     
    Lesson #4: When the doctor says soak your toe 3x/day, do it.
     
    Lesson #5 Just because your ribs hurt a lot tomorrow, doesn't mean they won't be unbearably painful the day after that, rendering you nearly immobile and unable to laugh, sneeze, cough, clear your throat or breathe!
     
    *****************************************************
     
    Gripe #1: Regarding flourescent bulbs - When I turn a light switch on, I want to see right now, not 5 minutes from now! (but in the name of conservation, I guess I can cope <_< )
  13. barefut
    The cursor sits blinking in sync with my heartbeat waiting for me to grace the blank white space with words of wisdom, hope, empathy, humor or a share of despair.
     
    But who am I to think I can write? Who am I to think I can change a life?
     
    The cursor mocks me. Dares me. Laughs at me. Yes, who are YOU?
     
    I am just a girl. Just a mom. Just a person. Just swimming.
     
    Breathing, seeing, listening, breathing.
     
    Experiencing, learning, evolving.
     
    Stepping carefully and sometimes not so carefully - sometimes on people's toes - but always learning.
     
    Paying attention, making mistakes, paying my dues, and making progress.
     
    Slow by some people's standards but still progress nonetheless.
     
    Careful not to judge others and yet judging myself by standards set on high.
     
    Who am I to think I can write - change a life with my words, or just make someone think, or laugh, or feel better for just a moment?
     
    The cursor IS my heartbeat. The words are from my heart.
  14. barefut
    AHHH yes, wonderful , beautiful, warm, bright, sunny, sun!!!
     
    Perfect weather for the T-ball Jamboree this morning which was very amusing to say the least. My face still hurts from laughing. Here are these 5 and 6 year olds in helmets that their little heads can barely hold up, swinging a bat nearly as long as they are tall, at a ball resting on a rubber tube, and then running the bases as fast as their little legs can carry them, with their little heads bobbling in those giant helmets. Now I know where the baseball bobble heads were inspired from. And me, without my video camera!
     
    At one point, the runner on first chased down the ball himself and proceeded to try and tag his team mate out. The catcher, in all his gear, was totally oblivious to where the ball went every time it was thrown to him and he spun around and around looking for it. Any ball that rolled past the pitching mound was chased by 1/2 the team and the kids fell all over each other and themselves scrambling for it. I am quite surprised that there wasn't any bloodshed. Looking forward to the the next game with a smile on my face and video camera in hand.
     
    Also perfect weather for that yard sale I've been preparing for. So hard to get rid of the preschool toys. I've had to prepare emotionally as well. Mom has been helping gather and organize stuff for the sale. Nope, I'm keeping the battered, little, multi-colored, rubber boots that were big one's and little one's. Keeping the little red sandals too. And the toy mailbox and the plastic alphabet blocks and the majority of the stuffed animals......Ok, just where am I going to store all that stuff then? Maybe I should store it in my mind and just put it all on the sale in the morning.....nah can't do it.
     
    Sis and her hubby are coming over tomorrow too. Can't wait to see them. It's been too long. She's going to take some unruly plants from my front flower beds and plant them on their (soon to be) farm near town. Then I can start working towards that English Cottage garden I've been longing for out front.
     
    In the early afternoon I'll wrap up the yard sale and pack up grandma, the boys and the dog and head out to the property to help sis plant. The boys will ride the 1940 tractor with their Uncle, the dog will run himself wild and jump in the pond and we'll all picnic by the water and eat cake and sing happy birthday to grandma.
  15. barefut
    Okay ladies, thanks for the belly laughs! No thanks for making me wet my pants. Dented bosoms and parking lot face plants?! The visuals you two have stirred up in my imagination will have me laughing for days. Bless you both for that. How I would love to share an evening and a bottle of wine with you two!
     
    I have nothing to blog now. I just want to bask in the afterglow of endorphins and massage my cheeks back to their former selves. Oh, and change my pants.
  16. barefut
    Dear Friend ~
     
    I forget that you're fragile
    Cuz you're just so tough
    Fearlessly taking on my boys
    Proves you've got the right stuff
     
    Now use that stuff right
    To get yourself well
    Cuz I know hospitals
    Can be, uh, less than perfect.
     
    The nurses (bless them) wake you every hour
    And all you want is to take a shower
    The food 'aint good and TV is bad
    The boredom and restlessness can drive you mad
     
    So enjoy this small care package
    To help pass the time
    And accept my apologies
    For this terrible rhyme
     
    And know we are thinking of you everyday
    Sending strength and best wishes
    For a SHORT hospital stay!
     
    *************************************************************
     
    My dear sweet friend has made a remarkable recovery and hopes to come home Friday!!!
  17. barefut
    I have always wanted a little pygmy goat or two. They are the most precious little things! And now here's Barbs with not one, not two, but five! I can just imagine....it's not hard to with Barb's vivid descriptions. When she told of putting up the sheet metal fencing at 4:30 in the morning in like what.....40 degrees below zero?! My hands went blue! Oh Barbs, what are you doing to yourself?
     
    I must admit though, I sometimes do it too - carry on - "getting on with it" even when I know I shouldn't. Glutton for punishment I guess? :( Or maybe stubborn pride? <_< Sometimes I don't want to be thought of as lazy or not pulling my weight. Sometimes I still like to pretend I can do it all. Denial is fun to visit now and then. But then I always pay the price. One way or another my body will tell me what an idiot I was and warn me not to do it again - or else. :angry:
     
    So, dear Barbs, now that you have granted my wish of getting more animals I am looking forward to hearing more stories of life on the farm with those cute little goats but please don't sacrifice your limbs!
     
    Stay Wa-a-a-a-r-r-r-r-m-m-m-m
  18. barefut
    Short term goal: stay in my jammies all day. Long term goal: stay in my jammies all day every Sunday.
    It's 2:30 pm and so far I have accomplished my short term goal. Even went out to breakfast in my jammies. Our local cafe gives customers 1/2 price breakfast if you show up in your jammies - but well that's once a year in February and it wasn't today, but I didn't care. And nobody else did either. I like that in a town. Of course my jammies are flannel pants and a tee shirt so I just blended in with the rest of the crowd.
     
    Biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs with bacon. When the waitress asked me if I had enough gravy I had to think: Yes, I had enough gravy before you even put the plate in front of me. The proof is in the pudding or rather in my thighs. The pudding is in my thighs too. I need to come up with some new goals.
  19. barefut
    There's something to be said for going it alone - no compromising. As the only adult in the household, I can make dinner time whenever I want it to be, and I can make whatever I want for dinner. I can plant that tree anywhere I want to in the yard because I don't have to consider anyone else's opinion. I don't have to cater to or consider a partner's mood, schedule, likes or dislikes. I am my own boss. I set the rules and I can break the rules if I want to, without any backlash.
     
    There's also something to be said for partnership: Being part of a team, working together towards a common goal; sharing joys and sorrows; knowing that someone is always there for you, willing to back you up, to put themselves out there for you; having someone's shoulder to cry on and being able to be the shoulder for them.
     
    In the long run, I'm pretty sure that compromising isn't such a bad compromise for all that the right partnership would have to offer.
  20. barefut
    No need to bother opening the blinds this morning. It's going to be another one of those dreary, cold, winter days in the Pacific Northwest where the fog never lifts all day. There is no distinction between early morning and early evening because the light stays the same dark grey all day. Best to just keep the ugly outside and try and make my inside as cheerful as possible. On goes my happy light and I scoot it extra close and set the timer for the full 45 minutes.
    Then it's time to don my sound blocking headphones and blog up my peeps because that always cheers me up.
     
    My youngest is so very perky and chatty first thing in the morning, not unlike a small terrier scampering around your feet. "Are ya still gonna make strawberry shortcake for breakfast, mom? Are ya? Huh? Are ya still gonna do that? I'm hungry, can I help? Can I? Huh?"
     
    I was up from 3am to 6am browsing the archives of my "Barefut Impressions" hoping that would put me back to sleep. I got a whole hour nap in from 6am - 7am before I was awakened by a cat's wet nose poking me in the face. "Are yew awake mama? Are ya huh? I'm hungry. Are you going to put some food in my dish yet? Are ya? Are ya huh?" Poke poke poke.
     
    OKAY! I'M UP! Food in cat dish - the strawberry shortcake can wait until I am able to move without hobbling and I can remember my name. I warmed up a cup of the really, really bad coffee that I brewed at 3am. Note to self: Don't buy the cheap stuff anymore. No kind or amount of cream or sugar in the world will make it taste any better.
     
    It is chore day. All day. Bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchen and laundry. My kids are going to hate me all day and because of my lack of sleep, I will be especially intolerant of their whining and half hearted "efforts" to get their jobs done. There will be a lot of yelling, from each of us, and a lot of door slamming and cussing from my youngest.
     
    This is starting to sound like that new orange juice commercial where the guy sits down with everyone he will encounter throughout his day and they tell him what he is in for, "At 9 am you will have a flat tire..." And after hearing about all of his challenges for the day he smiles and says, "Good thing I have my orange juice".
     
    I tell ya it's going to take a lot more than orange juice to get me through this day with a smile. I'm having a flashback to a dream I had recently...
     
    "Hey mom! When are you going to make the strawberry shortcake?!"
     
    Gotta go....
  21. barefut
    My 10 year old came to me the other day, stuck his armpit up to my face and said, "Look mom! Pit hair!" It was a hair alright. But it wasn't his. Turns out he was teasing me.
     
    We were watching a funny video show on TV where a goose was attacking people. My son's friend said, "Man, geese are mean!" to which my son replied without batting an eye, "That's how you get goosebumps."
     
    Yes, I have a little comedian in my home. He has been a clown since he was able to walk and talk. He made a name for himself in Playschool when he was only 18 months old. Parents I didn't even know, knew my little clown and I would hear, "Oh, you're Ryan's mom..." and then, "Good luck with that." as they watched him dance on the tables.
     
    I have hours and hours of video that would take days to watch. Some of it worthy of television video show awards. (Hmmm....I could use $10,000) I also have a little journal stashed away with all the funny things he's said and done over the years. It's priceless. So is he. :D
  22. barefut
    It's ironic how I never considered myself lucky until after I was diagnosed with scleroderma. Yep, there's nothing like a devastating, chronic illness to help you put things into perspective.
     
    I remember coming home from an appointment with my counselor not long after I was diagnosed. I was still in the "shock/freaked out" stage and was fully expecting to not make it another 5 years. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home just as it started to pour down rain. People were jockeying for a parking spot close to the door. I parked as far away from the door as I could and savored every delicious raindrop that fell upon my grateful head as I walked slowly into the store. I was tickled pink to be able to do my own grocery shopping, even in....no, especially in the pouring down rain. For a time, the sun shone brighter, the air smelled fresher, the rain tasted sweeter and the birds sang just for me.
     
    I have to be honest; I haven't managed to maintain that level of gratitude for the past (almost) 2 years but I do keep finding more things to be grateful for everyday. I find myself saying, "Things could be worse," a lot. That helps to put things into perspective and gratitude falls naturally into place.
     
    I have found that counting my blessings has made me a better person in many ways. Gratitude makes me a more positive person. Instead of focusing on the negative, or on things I don't have, or wish I had, I see all that I do have and appreciate it more. Being grateful for what I do have helps me to focus on the positive. (I still wish I had a jacuzzi on the patio though, strictly for health reasons of course! ;) )
     
    I have come to accept scleroderma as a part of my life - a part of my life, not consuming my life. No matter how much more this disease may progress in me, I will never let it consume me or my life. I am more than scleroderma is or could ever do to me. Scleroderma may someday take more of my body but it will never take my spirit. That sounds all good but it's something I could never do without the help of friends and family.
     
    Since my diagnosis I have slowed down a lot. You can't help it not to stop and smell the roses. So many wonderful little things become big when you pay attention. When you slow down, you can become a better listener, have more patience, see all the things you have to be grateful for and you will become a calmer, more peaceful person in the process.
     
    In a way, sclero has brought me many blessings that I am grateful for and a lot of them are my friends here at ISN.
  23. barefut
    In reading Barb's blog, Green Fingers, I find myself suddenly experiencing greenhouse envy in sort of an "Ah Ha!" way. Greenhouse! Of course! I've got to get me one of those! Why, all these years, it has never occured to me that I could have one of those too? I do not know. Ten years ago, I started some flower seeds in the living room window, too poor to afford to buy plants. I loved the process but it was quite a pain not having the proper space or place to do the job. I ruined the woodwork on the window sill and I have never started seeds indoors since.
     
    Barb's description of a Raynaud's free environment to "potter around" in sounds like a retreat for the soul. How I would love to spend hours babying little seeds into something beautiful for my yard or something healthy to eat. I can feel the warmth and smell the soil already.
     
    So, why not a greenhouse for me? Where there's a will there's a way. (Or where there's a dad there's a way... :rolleyes: ) So dad, I guess you know what your next project will be on your next visit, as if you haven't already done enough for me! But you knew I couldn't let you get away without putting you to work on some kind of summer project right? ;)
  24. barefut
    Took Little One to the urgent care at the hospital tonight upon his second, "My ear hurts". This is the kid who holds the record for most ear infections as an infant. This is the kid whos ER doctor told me when he was 2 years old, "You know, ear infections will clear up on their own - you don't have to have antibiotics every time." Okay doctor, tell that to this screaming kid at 3 am! Anyway, I wasn't going to wait another day this time.
     
    I'm still feeling guilty for not taking Big One in sooner. Poor kid. I feel awful about that. He has not had the history with ear infections like my youngest and so I let it go until he had a sinus infection too! What kind of mom am I? That borders on neglect! Handcuff me and take me away. If there is a silver lining (and I am always looking for one) I got to spend some much needed quality time with my oldest this week. We worked on his homework together. He gave me refresher courses in American colonization and plane geometry. I learned a lot! We also had some good talks, played board games and laughed a lot. That kid cracks me up. I am a very lucky mom.
     
    I'm kind of a lonely mom too. I've been single for 3 years now. It is really hard for me to see all the happily married couples of my sons' team mates at practices, games and the award dinners. I feel like an outsider. I will admit, I am jealous. You can tell these couples are truly soul mates and completely devoted to each other and their kids. I want that. But I am so far from that. I haven't even been asked on a date - or asked anyone myself. This small town does not help.
     
    I am about ready to go online in search of someone. That's economical. I figure life is too short you know? I don't want to spend what little time I have left on this planet wishing I had someone else's relationship; waiting and looking for someone in this small town who might be compatible. And I don't want to play games either. I want to lay all my cards on the table, cut to the chase and get to the good stuff. I've always been a no nonsense kind of girl. Wow, this is starting to sound like a profile.....maybe I'll work on that.
  25. barefut
    Family made it here for the holiday and we had a great time. One of my gifts to the boys was a bedroom makeover. I wrapped a paint tray and paint samples along with a note. Turned out that it ended up being a gift from my sister and dad. While I was at work Monday they did the whole thing for me. The boys had a great time. They ended up trading rooms and ever since they have kept their rooms immaculate!
     
    Spent New Year's Eve at my sister's house. It was nice to get out of town for a change. Last time I left the Peninsula was 5 months ago for my doctor appointment. She spoiled us with a big ham dinner New Year's Eve and a champagne breakfast New Year's Day. Then we went out to see a movie. It was a nice little getaway.
     
    My little one has been crying that he misses his mom. I work too much. I am always gone and I never play with him anymore. So yesterday we rigged up his bike with duct tape and a paper towel roll so that it sounded like a dirt bike. I really miss doing stuff like that. Made me long for summer as it was nearly 10 below outside! Or at least it felt like it.
     
    I've been spending my weekends one day cleaning house and catching up and one day doing nothing. Little one says all I want to do is watch football. Even though I'm here I guess I haven't really been here for him. Gotta start planning things to do just the 2 of us.
     
    Resolutions. I have a lot of them.