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barefut

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Blog Entries posted by barefut

  1. barefut
    Ten years ago
    And it seems like yesterday
    Where does it all go?
     
    Yesterday
    Seems like ten years ago
    Time
     
    Like a freight train
    Goes rushing by
    Yes it does fly
     
    People and places come and go
    Only their faces
    Do we know?
     
    Another birthday
    And we think we're getting old
    Or so we're told
     
    Ten years ago
    And it seems like yesterday
    The way we laughed and played
     
    Makes us sad now
    And we wish we knew how
    To do it all again
  2. barefut
    I am finding that I am starting to use blogging as a procrastination exercise when I should be doing something else. Just like in college when I suddenly decided it was crucial that I do the laundry or clean my room when I really should have been studying. I got a lot of organizing done that way.
     
    I sit here bleary eyed and heavy headed with the clock pushing midnight and the acid pushing up my throat. I haven't even laid down yet and I ate an early dinner. I am going to blame this on my meds that I just took 20 minutes ago. Seems I can drink a gallon of water with them and still sometimes the acid flows. I don't know what's worse, the acid or the hung-over feeling I'll have tomorrow from the lack of sleep tonight.
     
    AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Anyway, what I should be doing instead of procrastablogging is filing my giant piles of paper stuff. Where does all that stuff come from anyway?! Everyday on my To-Do list is "File the Pile" but it only seems to grow bigger and bigger like a science experiment gone bad.
     
    But now my hip is cramping so I'd better just ease gently into my poor old broken down recliner -or what's left of it (we have a lot in common, my recliner and I; partly why I can't get rid of it I guess) and try some biofeedback on this reflux. Maybe it will work; it never hurts to try...
     
    Acid go back~Acid go back~Acid go back..........
  3. barefut
    Well okay Barb, I won't be so hard on myself then. I forget that you don't work outside of your home so you do have more time during the day to fufill your blogging responsibilities. I should quit trying to "keep up with the Jonses" as well as comparing myself to others. I've always had a problem with that. I also need to remember to keep managable portions on my plate otherwise my time with the kids suffers.
     
    As far as the boys go, yes they do keep me hopping! I turn to blogging to have some me time. Although they are a hand full, my 10 year old already doesn't want to have much to do with me - too busy with all his friends and adventures. My 6 year old has promised me that he will hold my hand until he is 8. I asked him if I could get that in writing.
     
    It's hard for me to look at photos of when the boys were little. I get carried away back in time and end up missing their little-hood so much. That's why I wish I could time travel and go back and smell their bald little baby heads, squeeze their chubby little legs, rock them in my arms, watch them learn how to walk, hear their tiny little voices always asking questions.......
     
    Time flies. And the older you get, the faster it flies. BUT I have to live in the present so I'll SNAP OUT OF IT! I don't think I'll handle it so well when my boys go off to college. They will most likely go far away, but not too far I hope! And I know, that time will come sooner than I want it to.
     
    Barb, thank you for reminding me that time is precious. My time would be better spent right now, reading my boys to sleep. I can blog later.
     
    Well wouldn't you know it
    They were already asleep
    A missed oportunity
    I feel like a creep.
     
    Next time I'll have
    My priorities straight
    Using precious time wisely
    An admirable trait
     
    Because I had a late dinner
    and a soda with caffeine
    I'll be up anyway
    until eleven-seventeen
     
    So reading to my boys
    while it was before nine
    should have been my priority
    instead of blogging at that time
     
    So now here I am
    though tired as can be
    I can't yet lie down
    or my dinner comes back on me
     
    These days it comes back
    while still sitting up
    I sure hope I don't
    find myself spitting up!
     
    That might have been more
    than you wanted to know
    So rather than continue
    I'll spare you and go!
  4. barefut
    Well I managed to scavenge rides from people to get to and from work on Saturday and Monday. When my sweet neighbors saw me getting dropped off Monday evening, I got a call as soon as I got in the door:
     
    "Are you a single mom in need of a vehicle?"
     
    "Yes..... Why? Do you happen to have an extra one lying around?"
     
    "Yes, we'll bring the Bronco over - why didn't you just ask?"
     
    Why didn't I just ask? I did think of asking but couldn't bring myself to. It felt like I would be asking too much. Apparently not. In fact, they offered to tow Betsy home to save me the towing charges and the next Saturday he brought her home all fixed! All at a cost of $70 for the part and an hour and a half of his labor. Where my FORMER mechanics came up with their $700 estimate I will never know because I am never going back to them.
     
    I am just simply blessed to have such kind, caring, thoughtful, generous, neighbors. The world needs more people like them in it. I hope I can be there for them someday as they have been there for me. This neighborhood is my home. These people are my family. We look out for each other. That's the stuff that makes me cry in movies.
     
    On Friday when I broke down in my co-worker's office, she helped me apply for an auto loan right away. I have been wanting a more economical car to get around town - nothing fancy and under $5000. I figured now was finally the time. It usually takes something like this to get me in gear on things I should do.
     
    In the mean time I replied to my dad's email; "How are you?" So I told him. Next thing I know, I am being offered an interest-free loan and a monetary gift to boot! After Betsy came home all fixed, dad said the offer still stands and urged me to take it.
     
    Letting daddy buy me a new ("pre-owned") car is not standing on my own two feet as I really want to do. Even though I told him I would still accept his generosity, because he wants us to have a safe reliable car; I am having second thoughts about it, contemplating how it will make me feel.
     
    Again, what can I say? I am blessed to have such a kind, caring thoughtful, generous dad. I miss him and can't wait to see him on his holiday visit.
  5. barefut
    Wow, would you look at that -- I am a blogger. A blogger for the International Scleroderma Network! (International!) My blog even has its very own (witty-ish) title and everything -- I think I might capitalize Blogger.
     
    One might even go so far as to say that, I am a 'writer'. I write; therefore I am a writer. That is bold for me to say. I have always felt inhibited from actually referring to myself as'a writer. That term is reserved for published people who make a living from their work. People who have struggled for years, emotionally and financially, to earn that title. People who have gone to school to learn the finer art of writing and/or who have spent countless hours working to become published in addition to the countless hours of writing and/or agonizing over what to write about.
     
    But tonight, with my glass of red wine warming my sore throat, I am uninhibited enough to say that, "I am a writer." That feels kinda cool. I couldn't pretend to be a writer without the privilege of being a Blogger for the International Scleroderma Network! (International - that's world-wide!) And I couldn't be a Blogger without the blessing of Shelley Ensz and the wisdom and support of my editor and mentor Carrie (Jefa) Maddoux. (That's cool - I have an editor -- I must be a writer!)
     
    Without knowing it, Jefa has taught me a lot about writing and even more about myself. She has given me one of the greatest personal gifts I could ever ask for -- confidence. And without ever having met her in person, I can feel her confidence in me. She has made me think. Hard. About a lot of things. Carrie is on the top of my list of cyberfriends I would really love to meet in person, if only to give her a big hug and say thank you. Thank you for your confidence in me and thank you for giving me confidence in myself.
     
    Thank you, Carrie.
    You will always be in my heart.
  6. barefut
    I thought a day at the lake was in order since it was going to be a hot one. So trading in mountains of dirty laundry, dirty dishes and doggie mess for mountains of evergreens, I loaded up 'ol Betsy and headed out to pick up Ryan's friend and we were on our way. Right after we got the mail, finally returned All Star baseball uniforms, stopped at the grocery store for ice and water, and the deli mart for sandwiches. THEN we were on our way. Half-way there, another stop at the discount store for $3 floatie toys and vitamins then it was next stop, THE LAKE!!!
     
    Finally there, all 3 boys took off like rockets towards the water, leaving me in a cloud of dust and juggling dog on a leash, beach bag, towels, life jacket and cooler. It was easily 95 degrees in the shade and I was sweating buckets. At least there was a breeze.......blowing my hair in my face and I didn't see the tree stump and stubbed my big toe, with the ingrown toenail. Yea, "ouch" but that's not what I said.
     
    Okay, so found a nice spot beside the dock where I could put cooler and dog in the shade and keep an eye on the big boys jumping off the end of the dock - if it weren't for the 2 speed boats tied up out there and the dozen or so people camped out with beers in hand. After about a half hour, I spied an empty spot near some wooden lounge chairs and a driftwood log. Sun, shade, close to the parking lot, bathrooms and out of the line of sight of the strange woman who kept staring at me.
     
    Ahhh, all settled - again. "Mom will you blow this up?" "What?!" Oh well, what's another PFT? I huffed and puffed until I saw stars and decided I was going to reap some of the rewards of this floatie if I was doing all the work. Little one donned his life jacket and we launched ourselves out into the crystal clear, sparkling blue water, but not without a bit of squealing on my part as the cold water flowed over my back.
     
    Floating on an air matress on a beautiful lake surrounded by mountains of trees.....this is the life. I could have just fallen asleep out there - if it weren't for the speed boats making wake and my 6 year old splashing me. Well, maybe some other time. What did I expect on the hottest day of summer on the 2nd to last Saturday before school starts when I didn't even get to the lake until after noon - the place to be empty? All those people are just lucky that I share my special spot with them ;)
  7. barefut
    STRENGTH of body mind and spirit
     
    COURAGE of convictions
     
    FAITH that everything will be all right
     
    CONSISTENCY of actions
     
    MOTIVATION of body mind and spirit
     
    AMBITION to work towards goals
     
    GOALS to achieve fulfillment
     
    FULFILLMENT to achieve happiness
     
    HAPPINESS to achieve peace
     
    PEACE for body mind and spirit
  8. barefut
    Yea Barb, I know what you mean. Thank goodness I only travel to the concrete jungle, I don't have to live there. I am blessed to live in a paradise with only the weather to complain about (and the occasional rubber necking tourist when I'm in a hurry) I wouldn't mind being someone's bit of fluff either. :D Do I get Tarzan along with that title? But a bit of fluff I 'aint. More like a ton of lard.
     
    Oh, you asked the significance of the Luke Skywalker cardboard cutout in my rheumatologist's lobby. I think Luke was the office manager's significant other. Little did she know he was already taken. We've been an item since I was 12. I still have all his magazine photos in a large manilla envelope.
     
    I have gained 20 pounds on Prednisone. Tapering down by 1mg a month will take forever. So will taking off this weight. Can't say it was worth it now. But that's also because I can still move somewhat. Oh the things we must 'weigh' in considering meds. :rolleyes:
     
    Autumn is in full drizzle and the leaves, like my fingers, are turning colors and falling off of their limbs. Time to dig out my 100 pairs of dollar store gloves. I learned early on to buy all the same color if I want to match for longer than a day.
     
    I am freezing so I have to make this another short blog and go warm up in the shower. I wish I knew how to relight the pilot light on the propane fireplace. Probably better off anyway; propane costs as much as gasoline!
     
    Stay Healthy, Happy Safe and WARM!!!!!
  9. barefut
    I was born in the Midwest and I have seen their snowstorms and this is definitely one of them. How it got itself way over here, I do not know. I think it's lost.
     
    The forecast calls for 70 - 90 mph winds in some places (one of those places just 15 minutes from me) and power outages to go with it. Right now it is snowing hard and blowing. We haven't seen this much snow around here in about 20 years. And the cold! 14 degrees the other day -- who knows what with the wind chill. My Raynaud's has been behaving pretty well up until the other day.
     
    My dad's flight had to turn around and land in Boise tonight. We had no contact with him for about 2 hours after his flight was supposed to be here and didn't know what was going on. But he's all tucked into a hotel now and will call my sister tomorrow when he gets to the airport. I really hope they can make it to my house for the holidays!!!
     
    I hear 'transplanted' and visiting Midwesterners say, "This is nothing. You Northwesterners freak out at the first flake." Well, yea. We're not used to the white stuff and have you seen the hills in Seattle? Where in the Midwest would you find 60+ degree inclines as a general rule? In fact, the other day, there was an accident in Seattle where 2 tour buses collided near an overpass and one of them ended up with about the first 1/4 of the bus hanging over Interstate 5. Everyone got off safely but if you could see the pictures... I'll bet the driver thought for sure it was all over.
     
    The boys are sure enjoying the snow. Two snow days, Thursday and Friday added on to their holiday break. Wet clothes into the dryer, dry clothes on, hot cocoa warms them up, then it's back outside for another round of sledding and snowball fights.
     
    Found a frozen rat on the patio this afternoon and another one, barely alive, hiding under the lawn mower. Kinda cute little guys - except for their creepy tails. The kids said they found a "pile" of frozen rats in the ditch when they were sledding. EEeeew! But still, poor little ratsicles.
     
    Tired. Must sleep. Blog at 'cha later.
     
    Stay healthy, happy, safe and warm!
  10. barefut
    Barb, your 3 month checkups sound kind of like mine. A two and a half hour minimum, one way travel time, crossing 2 bodies of water, one by floating bridge that is usually open to submarine traffic every time I cross it and I must wait at least 1/2 hour. The other body of water crossed by ferry usually during commuter time. Then a treacherous hill climb through downtown traffic and dodging pedestrians running to beat the light. Finally to the top of the hill and into the parking garage. No sense even looking for a space until I get to the top floor. Then a 6 story descent by foot down the stairs to street level.
     
    Once inside, a wait in line to check in, then the elevator to the 5th floor where I cross a skybridge to the next building and go up the elevator to the 6th floor. Around the corner and a life size cardboard cutout of Luke Skywalker dressed in real scrubs greets me at the reception desk. Seeing my childhood crush waiting for me at the end of my long journey is totally worth it all. :D The gals at the desk promised me I could have him. They even offered to carry him down to my car for me. But he belonged to their boss and she wasn't there that day, so I was a little hesitant about taking him. Upon my next visit he was gone. :(
     
    Then yea, a 5 minute face to face with rheumatologist and it's all the way back home and all at a cost of about $120 for gas, ferry, parking and at least one meal on the road, not to mention missing work. So, I talked my rheumatologist into seeing me every 6 months as long as I was feeling the same. I can get my bloodwork done locally and they'll fax results to her. When I see my pulmonologist and have my PFT every 6 months, I see my rheumatologist too. The clinics have been great at scheduling my appointments all within an hour of each other.
     
    As far as complaints or questions to ask, I really don't have much to say anymore either. "Uhhh......I got nuthin' - wanna look at my toe?" So at last visit I showed her my painful pinky toe with the brownsih toenail (which I have concluded is a stubborn fungal infection not gangrene). She said, sometimes people just have it cut off. Knowing what she meant I teasingly said, "The toe?!" :o to which she replied, "No, the nail." <_< I think she thought I was serious. Now she thinks I'm a nut case. I was concerned about the healing process with Raynaud's and all but since she didn't seem at all concerned, I think I will have it cut off - sick of dealing with it.
     
    What a lovely discussion! :P
  11. barefut
    Hello Scleropeeps,
     
    I've been away from the site for awhile, trying to pretend I have a normal (healthy) life I guess. It worked for a little while. I was feeling pretty good physically, was staying busy, felt like I had a purpose and was able to push through the bad days. These days, not so much.  I've been battling my depression again. It has slapped me down hard this time - harder than I have ever felt it before. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed. BUT I DID manage to get myself to our local mental health clinic and am seeing a professional.   One thing I thought might be good for me was to come back here and reconnect with you all.
     
    I think about my Scleropeeps often and how lucky we are to have this forum.  I look forward to reading the forums and catching up.
     
    Many Spoons to All,
    Barefut
  12. barefut
    I awaken and for the 3-4th time, it takes me at least 30 seconds to get my head straight and realize I am not in my room at the home I grew up in.  As the fog lifts from my sluggish brain, my dream comes shooting back to me in bits and pieces - different dream but same place and same theme as always. Maybe I should mention that to my therapist?   Gauging from the light and the weather outside, I guess it's probably 5:23 am.  I look at my phone, it's 5:25. I'm never more than 10 minutes off.  I peek through my curtains at my goats in their pen,  being careful that they don't see me because if they do,  they will start hollering for their alfalfa and they won't shut up until they get it. . They should know by now my coffee comes first!  And that they never get to eat before 7am.   As I lay there, going over what day it is and what is going on with my boys - does Braden work? Does Henry work after school? Will I have to make dinner? Do I have an appointment today? Did I miss another appointment? !  I have to report household income changes to DSHS.  Is my prescription ready YET? Who do I have to yell at about that? What fresh kill will the cat have brought in for her kittens today? I don't wanna get up.   I don't have to get up. But I do anyway....
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