Kathy D

Infidelity

16 posts in this topic

He's in love with another woman.  Hmm.


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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Hi Kathy,

 

I'm very sorry to read your post.

 

Obviously, I don't know the ins and outs of it, but dealing with a chronic illness can be hard on the caregiver, as well as the patient. Sometimes having to cope with all the extras that serious illness entails can bring can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

Unfortunately an illness such as scleroderma can rob you and your husband of a "normal" life together and eventually it can take it's toll on the relationship.

 

I do hope that things will resolve for you and your daughter and that you will be able to get support from other members of your family and your friends.

 

My best wishes to you.

 

:hug-group:


Jo Frowde

ISN Assistant Webmaster

SD World Webmaster

ISN Sclero Forums Manager

ISN News Manager

ISN Hotline Support Specialist

International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

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:crying:   I am moving back to the city we used to live in.


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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This situation has taken a 180* turn.   My diagnosis all those years ago has taken a terrible toll on him, he has slowly descended into depression over the last 10 years and now hit rock bottom .  I am ashamed I did not recognize how much pain my scleroderma has caused him, and that I shared in publicly.  Instead of asking this thread be deleted, this could be helpful for other caregivers and maybe help those chronically ill avoid the mistakes I made so I will sheepishly share this.

   

He began counseling and was prescribed anti-depressants a month ago.  Unfortunately he had a bad reaction and it pushed him over the edge.  Being the kind loving man he is, he has a very strong "provider and protector" instinct.  He sadly does not have a support system and was desperate for some comfort and relief.  I was his main and strongest support and best friend for his entire adult life, but his "protector" instinct took over and though he thought he was helping me by not sharing his pain, he forfeited the main part of his support system, me.

 

He is now waiting for the initial antidepressant to leave his system (per doctors orders) to start a different one next week  We have had some very good conversations over the last few days, so honest they are almost raw.  Very constructive, but also revealing that he is so low right now that his perception of reality is skewed, which could explain why he contacted a platonic friend from his past.  Turns out they never even dated.....

 

I have a feeling our love and marriage will be stronger after he gets through this, if he does need to move on after this, I love and care for him so deeply I will do everything I can to help him be whole and happy again.  He is a tremendous man that deserves it.  He does not deserve to have the love of his life ill with an uncurable disease.

 

I apologize for worrying anyone, hang in there for better times are coming!


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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Hi Kathy,

 

Your posts remind us of where each and everyone of us could be, emotionally.

 

Thank you for sharing, this is the sort of thing we need to keep in mind, and by sharing you have helped us all to be more aware.

 

Kia Kaha

Be strong

Judyt

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Thanks so much for posting, Kathy.

 

Perhaps this difficult period will strengthen your relationship and enable you and your husband to find happier times together; I do hope so.

 

:hug-group:

 

Best wishes to you both,


Jo Frowde

ISN Assistant Webmaster

SD World Webmaster

ISN Sclero Forums Manager

ISN News Manager

ISN Hotline Support Specialist

International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

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Kathy, I am relieved that it's not the situation you initially feared.

 

I see this from both sides because my husband has been supporting with other caregivers from the beginning. Admittedly he is a therapist so he was aware of what was happening to us both, needless to say that didn't negate either of our feelings.

 

Anyways, caregivers have very specific needs but unlike ours, they're invisible. When my life changed so did Michael's. I know this and always did but during the first year, when my emotional setting went from asleep to hysterical, I could not under any circumstances, consider how Michael was being affected. Not because I didn't care but because I was in too much pain and acknowledging Michael's, which I felt responsible for, would have sunk me. I could not do it and survive. In fact, it was a few years before I could even raise the subject with him, such was and is my grief for what has happened to him just because we're married.

 

It's not easy all round but one thing is for sure, if the person with and the spouse don't talk to each other or someone else, that person won't make it and potentially in turn, the relationship.

 

Take care.

 

Ps antidepressants can help someone manage the intense period of a problem but they can't teach someone how to cope and continue to cope when a situation is ongoing. Doctors ought to prescribe talking treatments and antidepressants, not just the pills!


Amanda Thorpe

ISN Sclero Forums Senior Support Specialist

ISN Video Presentations Manager

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(Retired) ISN Sclero Forums Assistant Manager

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International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

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How do you feel about caregiver pacts?  Where a caregiver makes arrangements for after the ill one dies?


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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Hi Kathy,

 

I've never heard of a caregiver pact, so I don't know what you mean, exactly.  Do you mean like for the care of children?  Most issues surrounding death could be handled in a will or a Living Trust, including arrangements for children or pets (if necessary).

 

I agree with Amanda. It it's possible, you may want to consider the idea of not trusting this situation to antidepressants alone. If it's possible to include individual and joint counseling, that might maximize the growth and happiness out of any disruption. It's nice for things to be a bit better now, but it'd be fabulous for things to still be going strong ten years from now, as an outgrowth of this period of reflection and change.

 

Oh, and there is one thing I'd like to add, if you don't mind. The usual marital pledge is "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part", because nearly all of us get sick, and none of us get out alive.

 

All of us are going to get sick or die someday. Your husband could be run over by a truck tomorrow, for all we know -- and you hardly deserve that, do you?

 

It's for that reasoning that I personally would prefer not to ever give nor accept blame for being sick. I like to turn to good counselors when I can use gentle guidance to resolve issues like that. Sometimes a fresh perspective can assist with introducing more acceptance, peace, love, joy and happiness, at least, in my experience. And you certainly and richly deserve that, after all you've been through!

 

:hug-group:


Warm Hugs,

 

Shelley Ensz

Founder and President

International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

Hotline and Donations: 1-800-564-7099

 

The most important thing in the world to know about scleroderma is sclero.org.

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Kathy,

I feel for both you and your husband. I have always felt the caregiver gets the short end of the stick. Everyone always asks my husband how I am doing but rarely how HE is doing. I hope you are able to work things out. I think you will and your relationship will come out stronger in the long run.

 

miocean


ISN Artist

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Sorry to report things have not improved despite individual counseling and joint counseling.  He is full of hate and anger.  Sad but true.


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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Hi Kathy,

 

I'm very sorry to hear that, for both of you.  Perhaps it will take a little more time...or perhaps its time to move on.  At least you'll have the confidence of knowing that you tried your best and did everything you could, on your end.

 

Quite often, our best just isn't good enough, or it's only good for just so long. Even the rich and famous and wealthy and healthy often suffer relationship difficulties, so imagine the stresses for those of us who aren't rich and famous and wealthy and healthy.

 

I wish I could comfort you. How about a great big warm hug?

 

:hug-group:


Warm Hugs,

 

Shelley Ensz

Founder and President

International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

Hotline and Donations: 1-800-564-7099

 

The most important thing in the world to know about scleroderma is sclero.org.

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Hi Kathy,

 

I'm really sorry to read your post and I had hoped that things would have improved between you and your husband.

 

Sadly, it appears that it's not to be.

 

Please know that I'm thinking of you both and joining Shelley in giving you a great big warm hug.

 

:hug-group:

 

My best wishes to you both,


Jo Frowde

ISN Assistant Webmaster

SD World Webmaster

ISN Sclero Forums Manager

ISN News Manager

ISN Hotline Support Specialist

International Scleroderma Network (ISN)

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Thanks for the great big warm hug!!  It should happen soon.


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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Slow and steady but  things are improving here :)

 

It's bitter sweet seeing miocean's post on my thread.  Rest In Peace Sclero Friend.


Diffuse Scleroderma Diagnosed March 2009

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